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Question to the psychologist:
Hello! I have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old child. I have relationship problems with my mother-in-law. At first, everything was fine with us, but due to financial problems, my husband had to go to work in another country with his mother. It turns out that he sent us his salary every month, and the last 2 months before our visit to my husband with our son, the mother-in-law sent us her money. It's probably where it all started. I am coming with an 11 month old baby. And she didn't even want to say hello at the airport. I thought maybe I misunderstood. I thought everything was fine. She offered to live together. We agreed. And then it began: she began to count my husband's salary, to say that we should save; she said that those who do not work do not take a shower, and I do not work at home alone; my son often chokes, and I’m to blame for this (they say I didn’t teach me how to chew); Worst of all, she started hiding groceries from me. Husband contributes more money than parents on expenses. I tell my husband he will be angry with her and will say something at most and that's it. She in Lately chooses moments when no one is around and tells me all sorts of nasty things. She asked her husband to move out and live separately, he says that it is so convenient for him to live. Lately, I've been having anxiety states, which makes everything worse. Sometimes 2 hours, sometimes half a day. I can’t live like this anymore, they want to convince me that I’m a stranger and an extra person here, that if I don’t bring money, then I don’t have the right to swim or buy anything with my husband’s money. I'm tired. I sometimes ask myself, do I need it? I love my husband, but my health is more important to me. I can not work visa, not working. And at least it would work. How can I explain to my mother-in-law that this is not the way to treat me? I don't bully her at all.
The psychologist Golodova Almira Miralievna answers the question.
Hello Mira! You are indeed in a difficult situation right now. Undoubtedly, health is more expensive. Let's look at the situation and try to find ways out of it.
Due to financial problems, you, Mira, are forced to live in another country, in a strange house. The mother-in-law offered to live together, probably out of noble intentions (she understood that it was problematic). But already at the airport she did not want to say hello, and then continued.
Mira, you are financially dependent. You write that it is problematic to get a job (the visa is not working). Mira, what are you doing now? What are you interesting in? Do you help your mother-in-law around the house?
Mira, you are a good girl that you are not rude to your mother-in-law. But, from your letter, I understand that you practically do not talk to her. She attacks you with claims, you tell your husband, and he "gets angry with her, he will say something and that's it." Mira, you will have to accept that your mother-in-law is not your mother, but your husband's mother. You yourself will have to calmly explain to your mother-in-law that you are also not very happy with the current situation, but this is all the time.
You treat everyone at home like a human being and also want a human relationship with yourself. Discuss "rules of conduct" in the house.
Thank your mother-in-law for the shelter. Mira, be patient, treat with understanding, but react calmly to all claims. Mother-in-law at home.
I understood from your description that it is possible to live separately from the mother-in-law, but the husband says that "HE is so comfortable." Find out what he means by this.
You should not tell your husband that he contributes more money than his parents, do not put before the choice "either me or your mother", but give specific reasons why it is better for you to live separately from your parents.
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is often complicated by disagreements.
The constant interference of the mother-in-law in the son's family life can greatly spoil his relationship with his wife.
For this reason, daughters-in-law often think about how to put the mother-in-law in her place.
How to be happy in family life? Learn about it from ours.
Psychology of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship
True love and mutual respect are found in the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law rare enough.
Even with external friendly communication, these women, as a rule, have a large number of claims against each other.
On the part of the daughter-in-law, a negative attitude towards the mother-in-law can be caused by jealousy, sense of ownership towards her husband or characteristics of a young woman.
But often a bad attitude is formed in response to the negative behavior of the husband's mother.
The main reasons why the mother-in-law can behave aggressively towards the daughter-in-law:
How to communicate with an energy vampire in the family? will prompt you!
What if the husband's mother is..?
The daughter-in-law's behavior strategy directly depends on the nature of the mother-in-law. It is necessary to clearly identify the existing problems and develop a plan of action.
Energetic vampire
Energy vampires replenish the supply of energy at the expense of their interlocutors. During communication, vampires constantly complain about life, talk about their failures and illnesses. They may do it intentionally or unconsciously.
The interlocutors of such people in most cases are included in communication, adopt a negative mood.
The desire to calm the energy vampire or the appearance of irritation in response to his complaints cause a surge of negative energy in the interlocutor. This response energizes and stimulates the vampire.
The best way out of the situation is to stop this "donation".
Necessary Keep contact with your mother-in-law to a minimum.
If this does not work out, you should develop a calm attitude towards the situation. It is important to remain calm during communication, not to worry.
Manipulator
Manipulators seek bend others to your will. Most often this is achieved by developing a sense of guilt in the "victim".
With such behavior of the mother-in-law, it is important to be able to recognize situations in which she uses the current situation to satisfy her interests.
If her manipulations are directed at her husband, it is important to try to open his eyes to the true motives of his mother's behavior and teach him not to fall for her tricks.
If the mother-in-law tries to manipulate the daughter-in-law herself, it is necessary take a defensive stance and in any situation to defend their interests.
selfish
The egoist always cares only about satisfaction of their desires and whims.
The interests of other people do not matter to him.
The best way out in this situation is "mirror" response.
In response to the selfishness of the mother-in-law, it is necessary to develop a similar attitude towards her.
Never give up your plans to please her requests, never change your mind under her pressure.
A woman treats you badly
Daughters-in-law rarely remain indifferent to the current conflict situation. They worry for the following reasons:
Intervenes in the upbringing of children
Often the mother-in-law, as a grandmother, seeks to raise her son's children. The lack of a good relationship with the daughter-in-law can provoke constant conflicts regarding the relationship between the grandmother and the children. Main problems:
Turns your spouse against you
Often mothers-in-law try to get rid of their daughter-in-law through their son. They seek to turn a man against his wife, draw attention to themselves and arrange provocations. Recommendations in such situations:
Gets into a relationship
The mother-in-law intervenes in the relationship, seeking to control her son's life. Also, her intervention may have a specific goal - to spoil the son's relationship with his wife. How to fight7 Recommendations in such situations:
How to properly distribute responsibilities in the family? you will find on our website.
Ruined the family
Marriage is the union of a man and a woman. If a couple, then the reason for the divorce lies not in the behavior of the mother-in-law. A man, respecting and loving his mother, should behave like the head of the family and protect the interests of his wife and children.
A woman must find the strength to show patience, tact and cunning. A bad relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is just one of the many difficulties that couples can face.
If the mother-in-law was able to destroy the family with her actions, then there was no real intimacy, trust and mutual support between husband and wife.
Thus, complicated by a huge number of mutual claims and demands.
Preservation of peace in the family is possible only if all participants in the relationship choose smart tactics. This applies not only to the two women, but also to the cause of their dispute - the man.
How to defeat the mother-in-law? Relationship psychology:
Many girls, wanting to get married, forget about the number of relatives they will have to deal with throughout their family life. And if the brides meet most of them only at the wedding, then the company of the father of the husband and especially the mother cannot be avoided.
It is unlikely that you will be able to show yourself on the good side and please your mother-in-law for a long time, and at one moment true feelings will come out. Nowadays, girls more and more often do not initially try to adapt to their spouse's parents, hence the conflict of interest originates.
Between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, a war literally begins. The first cannot accept that her son has matured and that it is time to stop raising him, and the second does not accept, as it seems to her, the prohibitive guardianship towards her husband and excessive curiosity.
There is absolutely no desire to be a lackey in front of the mother-in-law. Therefore, you need to be ready to defend.
- Talk frankly.
Before going on the offensive, it is worth trying to discuss everything with the mother-in-law in a calm atmosphere and without mutual claims. You can tell her about your experiences and thoughts over a cup of coffee. Perhaps the above arguments will affect the mother-in-law, and misunderstandings will disappear. If the conflict could not be resolved in this way, then you can confidently go on the attack. But you need to be confident and not give up.
- Mother-in-law adviser.
It is impossible to maintain a good mood if you constantly hear her insertions from the mother-in-law, and sometimes “mothers” are not shy in their expressions. You can calm them down in a simple way. To do this, you either need to completely ignore her, or, smiling sweetly, agree, but do not use advice. Soon the mother-in-law will get tired of talking to the wall and she, like a self-respecting woman, retreats.
- Who was not expected.
There are also mothers-in-law who simply love to show up without warning. If this happened, you should not be nervous, but give her a decent welcome, offer tea from the road, and then go about your business. After sitting alone until the arrival of her son, she will understand how much time she has wasted and the next time, most likely, she will call before the visit.
You can put your mother-in-law in her place, if she criticizes the level of cleanliness in your house, you can answer her in the same way. For example, upon arrival to visit, unobtrusively tell her about the crumbs on the table, the hair on the furniture, and even about the dirty bathroom. Of course, saying this out loud is not very civilized, but this method is extremely effective.
- underground games.
You can only punish the mother-in-law with a good attitude towards her, so there is absolutely no need to go into a clear conflict. Undisguised strife will necessarily negatively affect relations with her husband and family happiness in general. The husband will be nervous, it will seem to him that he is being forced to make a choice between his wife and mother, hence tension and irritability will appear. To avoid unnecessary clashes with the mother-in-law and not to spoil the marriage, you need to act cunningly, subtly and unconventionally.
