How to distinguish a hostile attitude and protect yourself from hidden aggressors. Hidden hostility Hidden hostility how to work with it

I have such a conserve happened. Understanding my communications, I found one hefty hole.

There is open hostility. When another person is frankly rude to you, rude, threatening, that's all. With this, I understand what to do.

But there is hostility hidden. Although it is difficult to verify it, it is felt very clearly, I think you have also come across it. Fortunately, there are a lot of manifestations of hidden hostility: from advice “you need to do this, I want the best for you” (in fact, he doesn’t want it) to “oh, you’ve gotten so fat / thin”, blurted out not just out of place, but in such a way that you then stand and you think - what was it and why? Well, there are a lot of forms, actually. In general, it can be cut off as follows - a person seems to say something socially acceptable, but it unsettles, makes it unpleasant and causes wtf thoughts in general. Quite often, this is broadcast from the parental position of the elder and authoritative. There is another popular type - rolling up "from below" from the series "wow, it's good for you, you are so successful, beautiful, but yayay" - too covert hostility as it is.

So.
Firstly, I realized that often I just let this hidden hostility into myself, because I don’t recognize it right away. OK. With this, it is also clear what to do - listen to your feelings.
Secondly - and this is a conserve - I do not know what to do when you cut it off, this hostility. It is really disguised as care/participation/authoritative advice, and I simply don’t have the wording that would help to more or less fight it off on the way and return it to the author without getting into it herself. I am not a very sparkling person in terms of sharp and quick answers, I prefer well-established strategies.

Now I have reached one working strategy - to be interested in "why are you telling me this now and for what purpose?" and it works, although it eventually leads to the situation "yes, I didn’t want anything like that, everything seemed to you, pfft, resentment!" and removes the bearer of latent hostility away from you. This strategy has one minus - it eats up resources that are spent on this very conversation.

Are there any other universal formulas you use?

P.S. And one more important point. I just realized that I don’t give such people a blow from the strange illusion that it will be possible to build normal smooth communication with them. But now I’m sorting through the options and I understand that I built normal communications just with the people with whom I entered into an open clinch (if we talk about a hostile attitude). But with the hidden hostility of communication, everyone was rotten, and even if some lived for a while, they still ended in some kind of bue. So I'm wondering: is it my way or, in principle, healthy communication with a person in such a position is impossible.

Greetings, dear readers! Have you ever felt uncomfortable being in the company of acquaintances, colleagues or family members? I put a dollar on something that happened more than once. Do you want to know why this happens? Some people tend to show hostility towards surrounding . Sometimes to all at once, sometimes selectively, sometimes intentionally, and often following the tastes of the games of the subconscious.

Sometimes we have to deal with explosive aggression (anger), and sometimes with hidden hostility. How to understand that you are a victim aggression and how to deal with it? This is what we'll talk about today.

Hostility and its masks

Very often, becoming victims of hostility, a person does not realize this. You may ask - "What is the threat of such manifestations, if we still do not notice them?" I will explain, the hidden negativity that others pour out on us may not reach our understanding, but it will inevitably penetrate ours. Then we feel depressed, uncomfortable, insecure, we can follow the lead of the aggressors, hindering the development of our potential and suppressing our own dignity. It shouldn't be like that.

Hostility is in psychology , the emotional state of a person who wants to take control of people who do not meet his expectations.

Let's look at a more accessible and simple example. The mother-in-law is deeply convinced that the daughter-in-law should not work. At the heart of her ideas about the ideal wife is home improvement, housekeeping and caring for her beloved son. While the daughter-in-law wants to build a career, while coming to absolute agreement and understanding with her husband. Every time, being with a daughter-in-law, hint that the daughter-in-law is not good enough for her son, a bad housewife, mother, wife, and so on.

How does it manifest such hostility, if not a direct attack? Hints, non-verbal cues (smirks, sighs, eye rolls, head shakes) and a host of other ways to send the poor daughter-in-law "enveloping" as Sam Wakin would say aggression , and invade her personal boundaries.

So what is hostility? She goes under the mask hidden aggression, or through "open fire". What to do if you are faced with an "open fire" I told in the article " ».

How to understand that you have become a victim and recognize hidden aggression?

Hidden aggression - derogatory attitude rendering pressure on a person and affecting his sovereignty. The goal of the aggressor is usually to manipulate and control the victim. In the articleI help create the right line of conduct. But in order to begin to form it, you need to understand whether you really became a victim. Here are the most common signs disguised aggression:

unflattering comparisons (“you are like that crocodile from a joke”);
sarcasm (“where are we going, you know this better than anyone”);
command tone (“do as you are told”);
remarks (“you are doing it wrong”, “everyone should know this”);
condescension (“come on, didn’t you know about such simple things?”);
generalization (“well, everything is as usual with you”);
boasting (“I would have finished everything long ago”);
a reminder of failure (“it will repeat like that time”);
false sympathy (“hold on, otherwise you look just awful”);
facial expressions and gestures (the same ones that our mother-in-law used).

How to resist aggression?

The most common implementation definitions hostility and aggression, we meet at work among colleagues. That is why it is most difficult to cope with it, because if our relatives try to take control of us, they do it not out of malice, you can talk to them, find compromises. As for acquaintances and people whom we consider friends, here, if the problem cannot be solved, you can simply cut off all ties. But when it comes to work colleagues, the issue becomes acute. Do you hold on to your place, but feel that you are not favored in it? To find a solution, the article in which I raise .

The second way is based on agreement with the aggressor. Yes, it is precisely the agreement with the statement and mockery, no matter how sharp they are, that will help to discourage the opponent. Add a drop of irony and sarcasm to the agreement, and lo and behold, the wolf rushes back to his forest.

Remember that the nature of the aggressor hides his own impotence, insecurity and complexes. By humiliating others, a person asserts his self.

The main thing , because others might not notice the hidden hostility from the opponent, which means it is your behavior that will cause resentment. You can try the third option - this is a dialogue. Perhaps the opponent does not give an adequate assessment of his behavior, having a calm, but constructive one-on-one conversation, you can achieve changes for the better.

To better understand your colleagues and form the right behavior in a team, read the article in which I talk about what to do with . If you realize that you will have to get along with “heavy” people, the author of the book will help you find the right tactics “How to talk to motherfuckers. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life - Mark Goulston.

On this I say goodbye. Subscribe to the newsletter and do not let the aggressors get the better of you.

Psychic trauma affects a person at different levels of individual-personal organization, including at the level of the picture of the world. What is meant by the picture of the world in this context? In English terminology, there is the phrase "assumptive world", that is, the world of human assumptions about reality. The picture of the world is understood as the totality of his ideas about himself and about external reality, as well as about the relationship between the "I" and external reality. Such beliefs are called basic beliefs. As applied to psychic trauma, the concept of basic beliefs was developed by the American researcher Ronnie Yanov-Bulman. She described a conceptual system for representing the relationship between man and the world through several basic beliefs.

1. Basic belief about the benevolence / hostility of the world

The first is the belief about the benevolence / hostility of the surrounding world, which reflects the attitude towards the world in terms of good / hostile or good / bad. In general, the internal concept in relation to the world of most adults who are healthy, not suffering from depression or any other disorders of people is such that there is much more good in the world than bad, that people in general can be trusted, that in difficult situations, as a rule, people ready to help.

This basic belief in the context of the study of trauma is divided into two types: the first is the benevolence / hostility of the personal world, that is, people, and the second is the benevolence / hostility of the non-personal world, that is, nature.

2. Concepts of justice, self-worth and luck

The second basic belief is the so-called justice belief. This is a very complex construct, it correlates differently with the psychological well-being of a person, but nevertheless, according to the results of research, most people believe that in general, good and bad events in the world are not randomly distributed, people are able to control what happens to them, life affects on this, and in general, if a person is good and does mostly good deeds, in his life mostly good things will and should happen. Thus, to some extent, the factor of chance is excluded.

The third basic belief concerns the "I" of a person. This includes the idea of self-worth, that is, how much a person is worthy of love, respect for himself from other people. These are internal, deep structures. Yanov-Bulman also includes here a person’s ideas about his ability to control what happens to him, control situations in his life, influence them, manage them, that is, to some extent be the master of his life.

Another belief, which to some extent contradicts the previous one, is the belief in luck. A person may think that he is weak, incompetent, that he cannot manage his life, but nevertheless he can be lucky in life. If we take adults healthy people, then, if you combine all these basic beliefs, their concept sounds like this: “There is much more good in life than bad, and if bad happens, then it happens somewhere on the periphery, on the TV screen, not with me, not next to with me and, perhaps, with those who did something wrong.

3. Sources of basic beliefs

Where do basic beliefs come from? It is believed - and this is shared by the main theoretical psychological concepts - that these basic ideas about oneself, about the world exist in an infant at the preverbal level already by about 8 months. The child has deep unconscious ideas about how friendly the world is to him, how ready he is to respond to his needs.

In this way, Small child already has some foundations for the basic picture of the world, and these foundations may change a little during life. But in general, these beliefs are considered to be very stable in contrast to more superficial beliefs and ideas. For example, a person's idea that he is a good professional is, one way or another, constantly empirically verified, corrected, and its changes do not cause any hard and serious feelings in us. The system of basic beliefs, if they are generally positive, provides a person with a feeling of relative invulnerability and security.

4. Mental trauma: violation of basic beliefs

When an extreme stressful event occurs that threatens the existence of a person, a stable and reliable support - the picture of the world - is violated. A person begins to feel in a state of chaos, because the world is no longer benevolent and not worthy of trust, and a person no longer feels so strong, competent, in control of what happens to him, because, as a rule, traumatic events occur suddenly. We cannot say that the picture of the world is collapsing, but it is undergoing serious changes. Further, according to the mechanisms of formation of new cognitive structures, either the assimilation of this event must occur, that is, the event must be inscribed in the picture of the world, or accommodation, that is, the change in the picture of the world under new conditions. Work in the post-traumatic period consists in restoring the picture of the world.

Recovery does not occur completely, and usually after experiencing a severe traumatic event in the case of a good outcome and the absence of severe violations, the concept of the world sounds something like this: “On the whole, the world is benevolent, and there are many good people and he generally treats me well, but that's not always the case."

In the post-traumatic period, people tend to look for new meanings and meanings of a traumatic event in order to fit it into the picture of the world. Research results show that people tend to compare themselves with other people who experienced the same events, but found themselves in a more difficult situation, for example, they also lost their property as a result of a flood, but their losses were greater. In general, this helps to fit this traumatic situation into the picture of the world, and people begin to look for new meanings in this situation.

5. Post-traumatic personality growth

Since the early 1990s, there has been research into post-traumatic personal growth. In particular, it was found that after experiencing a psychic trauma, some people experience serious personality changes towards greater personal maturity, reassessment of values. These changes affect, firstly, the image of the “I”, that is, after experiencing a catastrophe, a person feels stronger, more worthy and more competent; secondly, there is a change in philosophy of life, that is, after a trauma, oddly enough, people begin to feel more alive and begin to appreciate what previously seemed insignificant.

The last group of changes after trauma concerns relationships with other people. Thus, a positive change in the image of the “I”, changes in relationships with other people in the form of greater intimacy, mutual support and a change in life philosophy are areas of growth that we can work on, in particular, in psychocorrection, psychotherapy of trauma.

Hidden: 1) Covered or covered; hidden. 2) hidden; secret; secret.

Hostile: 1) Hostile or pertaining to the enemy. 2) feeling or showing hostility; antagonistic.

American Heritage Dictionary

The main problem with 1.1 is that it doesn't have a neon sign telling you it's 1.1.

This hidden tone is the most difficult to recognize on the scale. Once you do define it, don't expect the next 1.1 you see to bear much resemblance to this one.

ITS MANY FACES

He can be a cheerful, sociable jester, "the soul of the company." She is an inconspicuous little old maid who never forgets your birthday. He can be a cheerful, noisy salesman. Cunning scammer. A witty columnist who writes an entertaining gossip column. A luxurious office Don Juan, which can be a smiling lady from a neighboring office, who knows all the delicate details about her colleagues. He is a lover who is cheerful and tenderly in love now and scornfully caustic the next minute. He is a clever swindler who has been posing as a surgeon for fifteen years. He is a mild-mannered homosexual. Or that nice young man who "never said a bad word to anyone" but who was found guilty of six heinous sex crimes. Or the newspaper reporter who seemed so friendly until his article (full of vile insinuations) came out. And here we find that nice bank president who embezzled $100,000 and hit the road to Brazil with a dancer. He can be a sensitive poet, a suave millionaire, or a charming vagabond who, by hook or by crook, earns his livelihood and has never worked in twenty years.

Wherever he is, he will be wearing a mask. If you are generous by nature, you may be inclined to treat him with condescension. Do not do that.

In 1.1 we find an emotion that Ron Hubbard described as "the most dangerous and malevolent level on the tone scale." ( "The Science of Survival") He is halfway between Fear (which causes his tone) and Anger (which he must hide). His emotion dictates that he always smile and put on a good face, since he "knows" that we should never be angry At this level, we find egregious lies used to avoid real communication, such lies can be in the form of feigned agreement ("what a great idea"), flattery ("that's a lovely dress, my dear") or reassurance ("well , don't worry, I'll take care of everything"). 1.1 builds a false facade, an artificial personality. He is a cheerful hypocrite.

You don't need enemies. You'd better stay out of the way like a hermit. Do not trust him with your money, reputation or wife. This is a person who hates, but is not able to say that he hates. He betrays and expects to be forgiven. He will tell you that he was protecting you when, in fact, he went out of his way to ruin your reputation. He will rather hypocritically flatter you, waiting for his moment to ruin you. And he will find more ways to destroy you than I can think of and describe in one chapter.

1.1 expects special privileges or exceptions. He is the person who is most likely to assume that he can break the rules in a marriage, company, group, or society.

At first we like 1.1 because it pretends to be so high-pitched. But over time (unless we are in Sympathy) we despise him more and more. However, our disgust is sometimes difficult to explain, because we can rarely pinpoint exactly what this doll does that causes our contempt.

Despite his arrogance, he is such a perfect actor that we can be deceived by his feigned modesty. Having power over all the tones below him, he shamelessly uses them to convince us of his harmlessness and good intentions. In this way, he manipulates people, always seeking covert control. He may cry, beg, appease or sympathize; he may show contempt or disdain. But by playing all these performances, he is trying to destroy others in order to lower them to a level where he can use them.

If you're angry with him, he usually falls into Appeasing (goes out of his way to do something for you or gives you gifts) or Grief ("I didn't mean to hurt you...") in order to creep back into your confidence. . Consider that he knows your weak spots and that he plays them with virtuosity.

TALK

Here fast way define 1.1: he seeks to introvert you. This mostly happens in the first few seconds of meeting him. He says, "Oh, you got better, huh?" or "I can't figure out what's changed in you..." On the phone, he might start a conversation with: "Your voice sounds funny, do you have a cold?" Under the guise of friendly concern, these remarks are meant to direct your attention to (and away from) yourself. Soon you will start explaining to yourself or worrying: "What happened to me?"

When meeting, the 1.1 almost always tries to speak first in order to take control of the conversation. If he throws his arrows first, there's less chance of anything being thrown at him. I once introduced two 1.1. As I did this, I wondered which of them would win in the inevitable rush to start the conversation first. Well, they both started talking at the same time and kept talking like that for at least a full minute, not listening to a single word the other said. They were well suited to each other.

Covert Animosity fills his conversation with little taunts, thinly veiled as compliments ("it's a very tasty cake, almost the same as they sell in the store"). It's the 1.1 that kicks off the classic quip: "What a beautiful dress you're wearing. I've admired it for years."

He feels a constant, to the point of nervousness, need to rebuff almost every remark. If you are trying to make a sincere statement or present an upscale idea, he will question it: "I understand what you mean, but..." shoulder or insert a joke at your expense (usually with puns, he loves them). He uses every conceivable method to tear your communication to shreds. Of course (haha) he didn't mean you any harm. Just friendly.

HONESTY

He lies even when there is no reason to lie. Facts are confused, twisted or hidden when he loudly proclaims his honesty, ethics and goodness. He can give you a "solemn promise" and at the same time hold a knife behind his back.

If you question his lies, he will probably tell you that it was just a sophisticated joke.

A high-tone person can play the role of a spy and do it well (although he does not like to evade). 1.1 is a born spy. If you want to make this guy come to life, present him with an enticing situation that requires deceit, deceit, insincerity, or misrepresentation. Give him an excuse to snoop, eavesdrop, spy, or covertly investigate and he'll come to his senses.

When there is an opportunity to do something directly, 1.1 will not use it, it will not occur to him. He will come up with a roundabout way to do the same. I once worked in an office where the manager in 1.1 forbade shaking ashtrays into wastebaskets. I assumed this rule was due to finicky (or fire prevention concerns) until I found out that every night he dug through all the baskets before they were emptied (he even folded scraps of paper together) so he could tell what "really happened" in the office. He liked to reveal someone's juicy detail in this way. Of course, a rumor got around, so the staff began to amuse themselves by tossing all sorts of wild, invented bits of "evidence" into the wastebaskets along with the waste.

Although 1.1 carefully hides his own motives and actions, he is zealous in coercing others into revealing their secrets. This is the tone of a traitor and treachery. Having no respect for the privacy of others, he does not miss the chance to expose people (this is even more prevalent in the next tone: Lack of Sympathy). Hidden Animosity, who has "secret" love relationship, will try to bring the facts to the surface so that people find it, especially where it will create problems for his partner.

He is a genius at extracting information from others. A few years ago, I was working on a classified study for a company. Only three of us knew the true nature of this project, and none of us were promiscuous talkers. So I was surprised one day while having lunch with a switchboard operator when she casually said, “Yes, I understand what you found…” She was so close to the truth, it was hard to believe that she just guessed. I began to deny that I knew anything about this subject, and she said: "Oh, stop playing me. Everyone knows what you are working on." Later I realized that she must have overheard some of the information on telephone conversations; the rest was her guesswork.

Even guesses 1.1 are made with blatant pretentiousness that he knows everything; in this way, he often tempts his unsuspecting victim to talk too much.

MYSTERIOUS TECHNIQUE

1.1 not only enjoys solving mysteries, he also enjoys creating them. He may even use a knowing, enigmatic smile to embarrass you. I once saw 1.1 go through my friend's manuscript while he waited intently for comments. After finishing, 1.1 just smiled slyly and said, "I'll refrain from commenting. I'll think about it."

Insinuating hidden knowledge is a common gossip technique. A person in a higher tone may convey news about friends, but he tries to stick to the facts. 1.1 embellishes the facts with additions that sound true. "Do you know that Joe and Phyllis broke up?" This may be a fact. But Mabel (1.1) adds: "Just between us, I wouldn't be surprised if I knew she was secretly dating Bill." Her all-knowing manner suggests that she is sure of more facts than she says.

GOSSIP

A chronic gossip who likes to undermine his reputation with half-truths, assumptions and conjectures - this is 1.1. You can meet her leaning on the backyard fence; you will find him in the office leaning against the water cooler. This is often the tone of a reporter, journalist, and talk show host - someone who uses their charm to gain the interviewee's credibility before cutting it to pieces. It takes stoic discipline to resist the artful questioning technique 1.1. Many years ago, I moved into an apartment and bought furniture from the previous tenants. A little later, a neighbor from upstairs dropped in on me. "I see you bought their furniture," she said.

I nodded and changed the subject. A few minutes later, she turned the conversation back to the furniture: "I think they were asking $1500 for it..." This statement hung in the air like a question that created the perfect opportunity for me to correct or agree with it. Having already gotten to know her kindness before, I decided to put it out on 1.1, so I just muttered, "Really?" and changed the subject.

1.1 endangers your business. He skillfully infects the entire office, turning people against each other and everyone against the company itself. It is so hidden that it is almost impossible to see it as a source of bad news and a general feeling of disappointment among people. While he can get the job done and usually manages to give the impression of being hardworking, this is often a hoax. Unable to allow himself to be anyone's effect, he avoids it in hidden ways. Ask him to complete a task and he will say, "Of course, I'll do it with pleasure," but it will never be completed. He pretends to take orders, but he has no intention of following them.

RESPONSIBILITY

Latent Animosity is irresponsible, but pretends to be responsible. I once went to a wonderful modern West Coast wedding that didn't have a best man. A relative in 1.1 from the side of the groom took it upon herself - she stood at the door, saying to the incoming guests: "Since, apparently, no best man is expected, I think you need to choose your own place." Saying this with a caustic expression, she seemed to be taking responsibility, but her intent was destructive. Of course, she wanted to make it clear to the guests that this wedding was "poorly prepared." If an upscale person noticed that the arriving guests were embarrassed (and I don't think they were), he would say, "Just sit where you like." And no malicious undertones.

1.1 is very concerned with impressing people, his need for recognition pushes him onto the stage all the time. Knowing no rest, he is an actor constantly studying his audience to see if he has impressed everyone. It's hard for a 1.1 to be a spectator for long.

In class, he is often the first to ask a question after a lecture (he may interrupt if allowed): "Professor, don't you think…" He is not interested in getting an answer, he just wants to show his magnificence. The question is asked for effect.

Many 1.1s want attention so badly that they don't feel embarrassed at all. I once knew one who dressed in the most ridiculous clothes imaginable. He wandered around looking like he was drugged, often boasting, "Everyone noticed me." This same guy relished every opportunity to make a remark that shocked everyone in the room. By the way, there are other 1.1s who dress and speak very reservedly.

When he cannot get into the spotlight himself, he attaches himself to creative, successful people and is constantly working to push them to the bottom of the scale. We find 1.1 crowding around show business. He is often a non-productive critic who seeks covert control over certain areas of the aesthetic so that he can give destructive advice to talented people "for your own good."

If he fails to get close to the winners, he still boasts that he succeeded. He knows famous movie stars. The President himself asks him for advice. He pretends to have love affairs with the most beautiful women.

PERSISTENCE

Because of an irresistible urge to play the biggie, the 1.1 often finds his way into the upper echelons of business, politics, clubs, or social groups. He, however, loves to cut corners and with such lazy persistence that he is rarely a master in either direction. Instead, he learns enough to mask his promotion to an important position. He wants to be applauded, not even wanting to learn to dance.

He's an amateur who dabbles in music and then quits. He learns to draw and then loses interest. Too fickle to focus on one subject for long periods of time and achieve perfection in it, he prefers superficial study, after which he uses cunning and subterfuge to pass himself off as an expert.

CRIMINAL

All criminals are below 2.0 on the scale (while they are still criminals) and a very large proportion are at 1.1. Even when a 1.1 is not actively breaking the law, he is unethical and dishonest.

He has a suicidal tendency, but he actively seeks the destruction of all those around him ("I think I will die, but maybe I'll take you with me"). Here we find murder through the slow destruction of individuals and culture, each destructive act cleverly masked by verbose excuses. This is where we find the people who push pornography the most (and enjoy it immensely). Here is an insinuating pimp who persuades a young girl to become a prostitute. There is also a cunning drug dealer who convinces teenagers that they need to "keep up with fashion" and that, in any case, drugs are not harmful.

MESSAGING

He prefers to transmit only the most malicious communication. Good news is quickly forgotten or deliberately suppressed. If you send a customer a special notice about a good deal and 1.1 opens the mail there, he will try to ensure that this notice never reaches the buyer in time. People in Covert Animosity often occupy places where they can control incoming communication. This not only satisfies their spy instincts, it allows for covert control.

One morning I watched 1.1 manage the affairs of a facility while the owner was away. It was a busy day with many customers, orders and inquiries constantly coming in. One angry worker called; the foreman was not at the workplace and could not be found anywhere at all. A few minutes later, the owner called. “Oh,” our dreamy girl said with pleasure, “today there is such a mess ...” And she dwelled on one “problem” call in detail, completely not bothering to mention the good news and the normal course of affairs.

SENSE OF HUMOR

He has no real sense of humor, but in this tone you will most often hear forced laughter that rumbles when there is nothing funny at all. We can discuss the weather or the score of the match and 1.1 will be senselessly giggling and rejoicing. He laughs at the joke - maybe even longer than the others - but nothing really amuses him. Nothing.

I knew many 1.1s who weren't rude jokers; but I've never known a single rude joker who wasn't 1.1. They take pleasure in diligently engaging in secret preparations to fool, confuse, expose, belittle, or insult the victim. And all this, of course, just for fun.

The manager of a local insurance company told me about a time early in his career when he was transferred to another state. Probably, some ethnic beliefs were the reason that in this particular place people refused to buy life insurance contracts, although they were happy to buy annuity insurance contracts. Without knowing this, our friend spent two weeks completely uselessly trying to sell life insurance, but he never succeeded. Confused and upset, he told his misadventures to the guys in the office. In the end, they revealed to him the secret of selling in this city. Allowing him to fail from the start was part of the "initiation" for a newbie. Although my friend didn't like this joke at all, the guys at 1.1 found it extremely hilarious.

He's surprised when you don't laugh at his clever antics. If it annoys you, he expects you to forgive his sins.

You could write an entire book on Sexual Characteristics 1.1 (and many people have done so). Some of them are intolerant in matters of morality to the point of hypocrisy and demand morality from others. But it is also on this level that we most often find promiscuity, perversion, sadism, and any unusual practice. The strange thing is that 1.1 does not really enjoy the sexual act as such, but he is quite concerned about it. He will be a passionate protector "free love".

An overly promiscuous person is almost always 1.1. His fickleness is manifested in his inability to enjoy a long-term, meaningful relationship with one person. He is constantly looking for sexual pleasure in novelty and otherness.

Such people are dangerous to society because their perverted behavior is contagious. Loose love and promiscuity are dangerous signals to watch out for if the race is to continue. Such actions indicate a hidden denial of the purity of love and marriage. There are now so many publications dedicated solely to advocating, promoting, and glorifying promiscuity that high-tone people may feel like they are in the vast minority. They begin to question their natural attraction to loyalty and constancy and wonder if they are old fashioned.

Today's open struggle against abortion, birth control and the management of sex education is far more reasonable than the Victorian pedantry that has clouded these issues for years. However, the harbingers of the "free generation" (usually the press and magazines in 1.1) want us to believe what this means permissiveness. Completely irresponsible, they report the most humiliating acts of mankind and ignore the possibility that their selection of "news" is having a devastating effect.

1.1 may be the sweetest lover on the scale, but as a long-term partner, he is very dangerous. Most likely, he will cheat and / or secretly undermine the confidence of his spouse by all possible tricks. He will not be satisfied until his partner has descended into Apathy and all dreams have evaporated.

HOMOSEXUALS

A friend of mine recently wrote to me about his observations of a group of homosexuals who lived near him: "I think they are correctly called 'gays'," he wrote. "I have never heard so much laughter as now when I live next door to these guys . Almost constantly feigned fun and happiness.

This feigned "happiness" 1.1.

Homosexuals can be fearful, sympathetic, coaxing, crying, or apathetic. Sometimes they succeed in a slight outburst of irritation. But their base is 1.1.

Homosexuals don't practice love, 1.1 can't do it. Their relationship consists of: 1) short-lived, pathetic and faceless meetings or 2) longer events filled with theatrical ranting, arguments, envy and frequent betrayals. And it could hardly be otherwise, since this tone is made of suspicion and hatred, which result in a sweet sweetness strewn with petty annoyances. Their "love" eventually turns into deep contempt.

PARENTS

Although 1.1 hates children, he is sometimes able to convincingly play the role of a parent. There, however, there is always a subtle, destructive tendency, no matter how kind it is masked. We see little interest in the future of our children. We see frivolous acts in the family (such as adultery) that lead to the division of the family and the destruction of the security on which the future of children depends.

Sometimes a 1.1 takes good care of a child's physical health, but is guilty of emotional and moral neglect. This tone is always trying to stop the child's anger, thus bringing it down below 1.5 on the scale. He is overly concerned with the appearance and mannerisms of the child - his facade. Ultimately, he tries to drive the child into apathetic compliance. At best, a parent in Covert Hostility raises a child in Covert Hostility.

Since it is unpopular in society to hate children, 1.1s can hide their cruelty behind hilarious jokes. He teases, criticizes and slowly drives the child to tears. One day a shop assistant came to me and jokingly said to my youngest son: "I'll take you with me." He looked at her like she was crazy and ran to play. She said that she had recently told a little girl that she would take her little brother home; the girl burst into tears. This is typical of 1.1, having scared one child, she now tries the same technique on mine. Under the guise of a friendly joke, she wanted to harm the child.

In a safe, high tone environment, 1.1 can go up to 1.5. But generally speaking, he is not capable of Wrath. Somewhere in the past, the loss of self-control has become so dangerous that he is now afraid to do it. Hostility, however, is constantly suppressed under the guise of good, friendly relations. If he could lose his temper and get out of his system, he would go up the scale and become a wonderful person. But, since he cannot express himself in direct confrontation, he secretly harms and destroys. If you are not sure if this is 1.1, note how you feel being with him. Are you out of your mind? Feeling uncomfortable? Worried about whether you are witty enough, cold-blooded, modern enough?

This is a common social tone. People of higher and lower tones use to some extent false courtesy in everyday contacts. Such "good manners", however, do not carry the destructive intent of chronic 1.1.

Tones below this are more destructive (especially to those poor bastards who are in them), but they are weak. They have little effect on you, unless your relationship is very close. 1.1 is rarely overlooked. He invades. He makes his presence known. The more capable you are, the more likely it is to sneak into your space, your time, and your life with as much fun as a deadly virus that invades your circulation and puts you to bed for six weeks.

Several ways to manage 1.1 are discussed in later chapters, but perhaps the most best advice this: remove him from your environment. Don't even bother being delicate about it. He is insensitive to hints, unable to be embarrassed. He will continue to come around with the importunity of a fly on a hot and humid day until you tell him directly - perhaps even several times - that you do not want his company. Once you do that, he will naturally talk about you behind your back. But don't be fooled, he did it all the time. Remember that behind this fairy shimmer, there is a beating heart of pure granite.

How to Choose Your People Minshull Ruth

CHAPTER 9. HIDDEN HOSTILITY (1.1)

CHAPTER 9. HIDDEN HOSTILITY (1.1)

Hidden: 1) Covered or covered; hidden. 2) hidden; secret; secret.

Hostile: 1) Hostile or pertaining to the enemy. 2) feeling or showing hostility; antagonistic.

American Heritage Dictionary

The main problem with 1.1 is that it doesn't have a neon sign telling you it's 1.1.

This hidden tone is the most difficult to recognize on the scale. Once you do define it, don't expect the next 1.1 you see to bear much resemblance to this one.

ITS MANY FACES

Wherever he is, he will be wearing a mask. If you are generous by nature, you may be inclined to treat him with condescension. Do not do that.

AS A FRIEND

1.1 expects special privileges or exceptions. He is the person who is most likely to assume that he can break the rules in a marriage, company, group, or society.

If you get mad at him, he usually falls into Appeasing (goes out of his way to do something for you or gives you gifts) or Grief ("I didn't mean to hurt you...") in order to crawl back to you. into trust. Consider that he knows your weaknesses and that he masterfully plays them.

TALK

Here's a quick way to spot a 1.1: He wants to introvert you. This mostly happens in the first few seconds of meeting him. He says, "Oh, you got better, huh?" or "I can't figure out what's changed in you..." On the phone, he might start a conversation with: "Your voice sounds funny, do you have a cold?" Under the guise of friendly concern, these remarks are meant to direct your attention to (and away from) yourself. Soon you will start explaining to yourself or worrying: "What happened to me?"

He feels a constant, to the point of nervousness, need to rebuff almost every remark. If you are trying to make a sincere statement or present an upscale idea, he will question it: "I understand what you mean, but..." He will kindly correct your pronunciation and word choice (he is a fan of semantics), remove the strings off your shoulder or insert a joke at your expense (usually with puns, he loves them). He uses every conceivable method to tear your communication to shreds. Of course (haha) he didn't mean you any harm. Just friendly.

HONESTY

If you question his lies, he will probably tell you that it was just a sophisticated joke.

SPY

Although 1.1 carefully hides his own motives and actions, he is zealous in coercing others into revealing their secrets. This is the tone of a traitor and treachery. Having no respect for the privacy of others, he does not miss the chance to expose people (this is even more prevalent in the next tone: Lack of Sympathy). The Hidden Animosity, who has a "secret" love relationship, will try to get the facts out so that people find it out, especially where it will create problems for his partner.

He is a genius at extracting information from others. A few years ago, I was working on a classified study for a company. Only three of us knew the true nature of this project, and none of us were promiscuous talkers. So I was surprised one day while having lunch with a switchboard operator when she casually said, "Yes, I understand what you found..." She was so close to the truth, it was hard to believe that she just guessed. I began to deny that I knew anything about this subject, and she said: "Oh, stop playing me. Everyone knows what you are working on." Later I realized that she must have - overheard some of the information on the phone; the rest was her guesswork.

Even guesses 1.1 are made with blatant pretentiousness that he knows everything; in this way, he often tempts his unsuspecting victim to talk too much.

MYSTERIOUS TECHNIQUE

GOSSIP

I nodded and changed the subject. A few minutes later, she turned the conversation back to the furniture: "I think they were asking $1500 for it..." This statement hung in the air like a question that provided the perfect opportunity for me to correct or agree with it. Having already gotten to know her kindness before, I decided to put it out on 1.1, so I just muttered, "Really?" and changed the subject.

BUSINESS

RESPONSIBILITY

In class, he is often the first to ask a question after a lecture (he may interrupt if allowed): "Professor, don't you think ..." He is not interested in getting an answer, he just wants to show his magnificence. The question is asked for effect.

When he can't get himself into the spotlight, he attaches himself to creative, successful people and works continuously to push them down the scale. We find 1.1 crowding around show business. He is often a non-productive critic who seeks covert control over certain areas of the aesthetic so that he can give destructive advice to talented people "for your own good."

PERSISTENCE

CRIMINAL

All criminals are below 2.0 on the scale (while they are still criminals) and a very large proportion are at 1.1. Even when a 1.1 is not actively breaking the law, he is unethical and dishonest.

MESSAGING

SENSE OF HUMOR

He's surprised when you don't laugh at his clever antics. If it annoys you, he expects you to forgive his sins.

SEX

HOMOSEXUALS

A friend of mine recently wrote to me about his observations of a group of homosexuals who lived near him: "I think they are properly called 'gays'," he wrote. . Almost constantly feigned fun and happiness.

This feigned "happiness" 1.1.

Homosexuals can be fearful, sympathetic, coaxing, crying, or apathetic. Sometimes they succeed in a slight outburst of irritation. But their base is 1.1.

PARENTS

CONCLUSIONS

Several ways to manage 1.1 are discussed in the following chapters, but perhaps the best advice is: remove him from your environment. Don't even bother being delicate about it. He is insensitive to hints, unable to be embarrassed. He will continue to come around with the importunity of a fly on a hot and humid day until you tell him directly - perhaps even several times - that you do not want his company. Once you do that, he will naturally talk about you behind your back. But don't be fooled, he did it all the time. Remember that behind this fairy shimmer, there is a beating heart of pure granite.

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