Book: Emotional Flexibility. Emotional Flexibility

What is emotional flexibility and how does it affect success?

Why can't negative emotions be avoided?

How to find an approach to your experiences?

Is it true that you can independently choose the reaction to the signals of the emotional system?

insight 1.

What is really meant by emotional flexibility? Emotional flexibility is the ability to relax and live consciously.

Learn to notice the gap between the appearance of feelings and the reaction to them. Then you will be able to control your behavior and make the right decisions.

An emotionally flexible person knows how to overcome difficulties and is always open to a new day.

Despite the stresses, he continues to follow his long-term goals.

Anger, resentment - all this occurs on the way for each of us. But an emotionally flexible person treats such feelings with understanding.

He accepts them. Each new negative emotion does not confuse him, but only gives confidence.
You should not avoid difficulties and stresses. On the contrary - accept them and move on to your goals.

insight 2.

How does fighting negative emotions make you weaker?

Consumer culture inspires us that any problem can be solved by control or correction. In case of failure, throw away the source of stress, or replace it. These judgments are fundamentally wrong.

You dwell on negative thoughts when you try to correct them. Suppression of unpleasant feelings leads to the search for addictions that comfort you. But switching from negative to positive also entails a deterioration in morale.

How then to be?

Stop clinging to and ignoring your experiences. Consider them without fear. This is how you bring change into your life for the better.

insight 3.

How to develop emotional flexibility?

Step one.
Take a conscious look at your emotions and behavior. Turn around to face you. You should not be a slave to your thoughts. Learn to work with them.

Step two.
You are not your feelings and thoughts. Separate them from yourself and consider from the outside.
Create a gap between your emotions and the reaction to them. This way you can consciously choose how to respond to them.
Learn to distance yourself from your own experiences.

Step three.
You make many small decisions every day. For example, go to a bar after work or is it better to go to the gym?
These are the selection points. They contain your core values. They point you in the right direction.
Listen to yourself and go your own way.

Step four.
Move forward. Your life is affected by small conscious changes that are in line with your values.

Get out of your comfort zone. Find your balance between difficulties and self-confidence.

Outcome. The main idea of the book.

Emotionally flexible people do not avoid hardship and pain. They accept them.
Don't give in to your fears. You must acquire courage.

To develop emotional flexibility, you will need to step out of your comfort zone and learn to live mindfully.
Listen to yourself and follow the rhythm of your path.

A non-obvious approach to realizing your potential, named Harvard Business Review Idea of the Year.

Susan David developed the concept of "emotional flexibility" (recognized as the HBR Idea of the Year) after 20 years of studying emotions. She found that neither intelligence, nor creativity, nor personality type predetermine success. It's all about how you own the inner world - thoughts, feelings, internal dialogue.

A growing body of scientific research is showing that emotional inflexibility—a fixation on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that do not benefit us—is associated with a number of psychological problems including depression and anxiety. On the contrary, emotional flexibility—the flexibility of thoughts and feelings to respond optimally to everyday situations—leads to well-being and success.

Emotionally flexible people are dynamic. They know how to adapt to a complex and rapidly changing world. They endure enormous stress and overcome difficulties without losing their passion, openness and receptivity. They don't let negative feelings unsettle them; on the contrary, they only go more confidently - together with all their "cockroaches" - towards the most ambitious goals.

This book will help you become more aware of your emotions, learn to accept them and live with them in peace, and then reach the peak of your development - all thanks to increased emotional flexibility. She will not turn you into the perfect hero who never says a single word out of place and never suffers from feelings of shame, guilt, anger, anxiety or insecurity. But you will find an approach to your most difficult experiences, learn to enjoy relationships and achieve your goals.

Who is this book for?

For leaders, managers, psychologists, coaches and anyone interested in the topics of emotional intelligence and self-improvement.

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Psychologist and business coach Susan David has spent more than twenty years studying emotions and how we interact with them. She found that neither intelligence, nor creativity, nor personality type predetermine success. It's all about how we own our inner world - thoughts, feelings and how we conduct an internal dialogue. The concept she proposed was called "emotional flexibility", and in 2016 it was recognized by the Harvard Business Review as the idea of the year.

In this book, you will find techniques and tools that will help you find your way through your most difficult experiences, understand what defeatist thoughts and behaviors are limiting you, learn how to adapt to a complex and rapidly changing world, and not let negative feelings unsettle you. You will begin to enjoy relationships and more confidently go - along with all your "cockroaches" - to the most ambitious goals.

Published in Russian for the first time.

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Susan David
Emotional flexibility.
How to learn to enjoy change and enjoy work and life

Published with permission from Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

This edition published by arrangement with Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC.

Dedicated to Anthony - the love of my life - and to my dear Noah and Sophie, who manage to dance every day

Chapter 1

Once, during the time of the Titanic (not a movie, but a ship), a brave captain of the British Navy, standing on the bridge of his ship, admired the sunset. He was about to go down to the wardroom for lunch, when suddenly the lookout reported:

“Directly on the course of the lights, sir. Two miles from us.

The captain returned to the helm.

Are they moving or standing still? he asked the lookout, because radar had not yet been invented at that time.

- Standing, sir.

"Then send a signal," the captain ordered impatiently. “You are on a collision course. Change course twenty degrees."

The answer came in a few seconds.

The captain was offended: not only were they brazenly arguing with him, but also in the presence of a junior in rank!

- Answer! he snapped. “I am the captain of the Royal Navy ship Defiant, a dreadnought of thirty-five thousand tons. Change course twenty degrees."

“Very happy for you, sir. I'm Seaman Second Class O'Reilly. Change course immediately.

The captain, turning purple with anger, yelled:

“This is the flagship of Admiral William Atkinson-Wills!” CHANGE COURSE BY TWENTY DEGREES!

After a pause, sailor O'Reilly said:

“This is the lighthouse speaking, sir.

* * *

As we sail the ocean of life, we rarely know for sure which course is best to follow and what lies ahead of us. Lighthouses do not light our way to keep us safe in turbulent relationships. We have no lookout on the forecastle, no radar in the captain's cabin to spot reefs that might dash our career hopes. But we can experience a variety of emotions: fear and anxiety, joy and delight, and this neurochemical system helps us navigate the changing currents of vital waters.

Emotions, from fierce rage to hidden tenderness, are an instantaneous physiological response to important signals received from the outside world. When our senses take in information—a sign of danger, a hint of romantic interest from a member of the opposite sex, evidence of acceptance or rejection by a group—our body responds to the signals it receives: our heart rate speeds up or slows down, our muscles tense up or relax, our mind focuses on a threat or calms down. company of a loved one.

Due to the fact that our response is clothed "in flesh and blood", both our internal state and behavior are synchronized with the situation, which allows us not only to survive, but to achieve success. Like the lighthouse that sailor O'Reilly served, our natural orientation system, which evolution has evolved over millions of years through trial and error, serves us much better when we do not try to argue with it.

But this is not easy, because emotions can not always be relied upon. Sometimes, like some kind of radar, they help us discern what is hidden behind insincerity or pretense, and understand exactly what is happening in reality. Which of us hasn't had an intuition: "this guy is lying" or "even though a friend says that she is fine, something is bothering her"?

However, in other cases, emotions stir up our past and mix unpleasant memories into our perception of reality. Such strong feelings can completely take over us, cloud our consciousness and throw us right on the reefs. Then we lose control of ourselves and, for example, throw the contents of our glass in the face of the offender.

Of course, adults, experiencing emotions, as a rule, avoid such a demonstration of them, after which it takes almost years to make amends. You will most likely "create a controlled explosion" of emotions within yourself. Many live almost constantly on emotional autopilot, with no choice or even awareness of their own reactions to circumstances. Others are acutely aware that they are expending enormous energy on containing and suppressing their emotions, and at best they perceive them as naughty children, at worst, as a threat to their well-being. Still others are convinced that emotions do not allow them to live as they would like, especially when it comes to unwanted emotions, such as anger, shame or anxiety. Gradually, the reaction to signals from the outside world becomes weaker and more inadequate, and emotions lead us astray, instead of acting in our interests.

As a psychologist and business coach, I have been studying emotions and our interactions with them for over twenty years. Often my clients, when I ask them how long they have been trying to connect with, cope with or come to terms with their most difficult emotions, answer: for five, ten or twenty years. Some even say: "Since childhood."

After that, I just have to ask: “And how do you think you do it?”

In this book, I will try to help you become more aware of your emotions, learn to accept them and live with them in peace, and then begin to succeed - all thanks to increased emotional flexibility. The techniques and tools that I suggest will not turn you into a perfect hero who never says a single word out of place and never suffers from feelings of shame, guilt, anger, anxiety or insecurity. The pursuit of absolute perfection, like absolute happiness, only leads to disappointment and failure. Instead, I hope that with my help you will find an approach to your most difficult experiences, learn to enjoy relationships, achieve your goals and generally live your best.

But this is only the "emotional" component of emotional flexibility. The "flexible" component also affects the processes of thought and behavior - the very habits of the mind and body that can prevent you from reaching your potential, especially if, like the captain of the Defiant dreadnought, you stubbornly stick to the same reactions even in new and unfamiliar situations. .

An inflexible reaction can be caused by the fact that you believe in defeatist myths that you retell to yourself over and over again: “I will never succeed”, “I will always blurt out something wrong!”, “I always pass when I should stand up for what I deserve." Inflexibility comes from a perfectly normal habit of taking shortcuts in thinking and relying on assumptions and practical conclusions that may have helped you before - in childhood, in your first marriage, at the beginning of your career - but have already lost their usefulness: “You can’t trust anyone” "I will be punished for this."

A growing body of scientific research is showing that emotional inflexibility—being stuck on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that do not benefit us—leads to a range of psychological problems, including depression and anxiety. On the contrary, emotional flexibility—the flexibility of thoughts and feelings to respond optimally to everyday situations—leads to well-being and success.

Still, developing emotional flexibility does not mean controlling your thoughts or forcing yourself to “think positively.” The fact is that Scientific research also show that by force to reorient a person from negative thinking (“Oh, I’ll screw up this presentation!”) To positive (“Watch and learn, my presentation is the best!”) usually fails and there is a risk of making it worse.

What emotional flexibility really means is the ability to relax, let go of anxieties, and live more consciously. It's about choosing your own reaction to the signals of your emotional alert system. We are talking about the approach that was described by Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who went through a Nazi concentration camp. In Man's Search for Meaning, he shares how to live a more meaningful life in order to fulfill your potential. Between stimulus and reaction 1
Between stimulus and reaction... Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man's search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. New York: Simon & Schuster.

There is a gap, and in this gap a person has freedom of choice. Choosing how to respond to a stimulus, he realizes his opportunity for development and his freedom. Emotional flexibility refers precisely to this gap between the feelings that a situation arouses in you and your behavior dictated by these feelings. Practice shows that emotional flexibility helps people cope with the most different problems From low self-esteem to heartbreak, from anxiety to depression, from procrastination to major life changes, and so on. But it is important not only for those who are experiencing emotional difficulties. Emotional flexibility is based on various elements psychological science 2
... various elements of psychological science ... The concept of emotional flexibility draws on research in social, organizational, and clinical psychology. It owes a lot to ACT-therapy (stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Training - acceptance and responsibility therapy / training, TPO), developed by Stephen Hayes, professor and head of the Department of Psychology at the University of Nevada, and his colleagues; this direction is supported by a large community of theorists and practitioners from the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science. Flexibility is a sign of health and wellness. More and more research shows that low level development of skills associated with emotional flexibility leads to a lower degree of success and well-being, while the high level of development of these skills is critical for mental health and well-being, and that emotional flexibility can be learned. See: Kashdan, T., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878; Biglan, A., Flay, B., Embry, D., & Sandler, I. (2012). The critical role of nurturing environments for promoting human well-being. American Psychologist, 67(4), 257–271; Bond, F. W., Hayes, S. C., & Barnes-Holmes, D. (2006). Psychological flexibility, ACT, and organizational behavior. Journal of Organizational Behavior Management, 26(1–2), 25–54; Lloyd, J., Bond, F. W., & Flaxman, P. E. (2013). The value of psychological flexibility: Examining psychological mechanisms underpinning a cognitive behavioral therapy intervention for burnout. Work and Stress, 27(2), 181–199; A-Tjak, J., Davis, M., Morina, N., Powers, M., Smits, J., & Emmelkamp, P. (2015). A meta-analysis of the efficacy of acceptance and commitment therapy for clinically relevant mental and physical health problems. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 84(1), 30–36; Aldao, A., Sheppes, G., & Gross, J. (2015). Emotion regulation flexibility. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 39(3), 263–278.

Exploring the personality traits of successful, self-realized people - including those who, like Frankl, went through an extremely difficult period and subsequently achieved tremendous success.

Emotionally flexible people are dynamic. They know how to adapt to a complex and rapidly changing world. They endure enormous stress and overcome difficulties without losing their passion, openness and receptivity. They are aware that life is not always easy, but they remain true to their own values and continue to pursue ambitious and long-term goals. It happens that they get angry, upset, etc. (like all of us!), But they treat such emotions with interest and understanding, and in the end they accept them. Emotionally flexible people don't let negative feelings unsettle them; on the contrary, they only go more confidently - together with all their "cockroaches" - towards the most ambitious goals.

I became interested in emotional flexibility and adaptability in general as a child. I grew up in South Africa during the apartheid era - the forced segregation of the black population; at the time, the average South African was more likely to be robbed or raped than to learn to read. Government troops drove people out of their homes and tortured them; the police shot at those who were just walking to the church. Since childhood, representatives of different races have been separated in all areas of society: we went to different schools, restaurants, cinemas, even toilets. And although I, a white girl, did not experience what black South Africans suffered, my friends and I could not help but see what was happening around us. My friend was the victim of a gang rape. My uncle was killed. So from an early age, I paid attention to how people cope (or do not cope) with the cruelty and chaos around them.

When I was sixteen, my father, then only forty-two, was diagnosed with cancer and told he had only a few months to live. I endured it very hard, and most importantly, alone: few of the adults I could trust, and none of my peers experienced anything like this.

Fortunately, I had a very responsive English teacher. She told us to keep a diary where we could write about anything, the main thing is to submit it every day for verification. At some point, I began to write in my diary about my father's illness, then about his death. The teacher sensitively commented on my notes and was interested in my experiences. The diary became my main support, and I soon realized that these entries help me express and understand my feelings and deal with them. I grieved as before, but the diary made the experience less painful. And keeping a diary helped me understand how important it is to accept and deal with difficult emotions, and not try to avoid them, and suggested a future profession.

Fortunately, apartheid in South Africa is a thing of the past, and although we are not spared horror and grief, most of you reading this book are not aware of the constant fear of institutionalized violence and oppression. But even in the relatively peaceful and prosperous United States, where I have lived for more than ten years, there are many who fail to cope and live to the best of their ability. Virtually everyone I know is under constant stress, overwhelmed by the demands of work, family, health, finances, and other personal issues—not to mention society-wide factors such as economic instability, the frenzied pace of cultural change, and the never-ending onslaught of new technologies that are constantly transforming our lives, preventing us from focusing.

Meanwhile, the ability to do several things at once, which is considered almost a panacea for an overabundance of work and impressions, does not bring relief. Recently, one study found 3
A recent study found... Strayer, D., Crouch, D., & Drews, F. (2006). A comparison of the cell phone driver and the drunk driver. Human Factors, 48(2), 381–391.

That the effect of multitasking on productivity is comparable to the effect of alcohol on the ability to drive a car. Other studies show that everyday moderate stress 4
Other studies show that everyday moderate stress… Epel, E., Blackburn, E., Lin, J., Dhabhar, F., Adler, N., Morrow, J., & Cawthon, R. (2004). Accelerated telomere shortening in response to life stress. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 101 (49), 17312–17315.

(a child remembers at the last minute that he didn’t have breakfast for school, his cell phone runs out just when you need to connect to an important video conference, the train is always late, and the mountain of bills keeps growing) can prematurely age brain cells by ten years.

Almost all clients complain to me that in the rhythm of modern life, they feel as if they were hooked and are fighting like a fish that has been pulled out of the water. They would like to get more out of life: travel around the world, get married, complete a project, start their own business, take care of their health, build strong relationships with family and children. However, what they do every day does not at all bring them closer to what they want (moreover, it often does not correlate with it at all). No matter how much they try to find and bring into their lives what they like and close, each time they are limited not only actual circumstances, but also their own defeatist thoughts and lines of behavior. And for those of my clients who have children, they also constantly worry about how the stress and tension of their parents affects them. If you've been waiting for the right moment to develop your emotional resilience, now is the time. When the ground is constantly slipping from under your feet, you need to be agile and quick to keep your balance.

Rigidity or flexibility?

At the age of five, I decided to run away from home. I was offended by my parents, I don’t remember why, but at that moment it seemed to me that the only reasonable solution would be to leave my father’s house. I carefully packed my backpack, took a jar of peanut butter and a piece of bread from the pantry, put on my favorite red and white ladybug sandals, and set off in search of freedom.

There was a busy road near our house in Johannesburg, and my parents strongly instructed me that I would never, under any circumstances, cross the street alone. And so, approaching the turn, I realized that it was absolutely impossible to go further into the vast unknown world. Crossing the road was unthinkable - period. So I did what any obedient five-year-old runaway who was forbidden to cross the road did - walked around my block. Then again, and again, and again. Before my rebellion ended ingloriously on my return home, I circled the block for several hours, repeatedly passing by my own door.

One way or another, we all do the same. We walk (or run) in circles through the same quarters of our lives, obeying written, unwritten, or completely imaginary rules, caught in a way of thinking and acting that does not benefit us. I often say that we move like clockwork toys - bumping into the same walls, not realizing that a little to the right or to the left there may be an open door.

Even if we admit we are hooked and seek help, the people we turn to—family, friends, benevolent bosses, therapists—cannot always help us out. They have their problems and worries and their shortcomings.

Meanwhile, consumer culture encourages us to believe that almost everything that does not suit us can be controlled or corrected, and if it does not work out, it can be thrown out or replaced. Are relationships failing? Find another partner. Are you not productive enough? Use a dedicated app. And when we don't like what's going on in our inner world, we approach it with the same logic. We go shopping, change therapists, or simply decide to “think positively” in order to cope with unpleasant experiences and dissatisfaction on our own.

Unfortunately, these remedies don't work very well. When we try to “fix” unpleasant thoughts and feelings, we fixate on them. When we try to suppress them, it leads to other problems, from doing nothing to finding solace in various addictions. And an attempt to switch from negative to positive almost guarantees a deterioration in the condition.

Many people look for solutions to their emotional problems in books or self-development courses, but the problem is that often such programs represent working on themselves completely wrong. Those who call for positive thinking are especially far from reality. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to inspire yourself with joyful thoughts: few people manage to simply “turn off” negative thoughts and replace them with more pleasant ones. In addition, this approach misses one important idea: often the so-called negative emotions actually benefit you.

Moreover, negative experiences are normal. We are so arranged that sometimes we experience negative emotions. Such is human nature. And an overemphasis on positive thinking is just another radical way our culture attempts to combat normal fluctuations in emotions, just as society sometimes rushes to cure childhood hyperactivity or women's mood swings with pills.

Over twenty years of consulting, coaching and research work I have formulated and put into practice the principles of emotional flexibility to help my many clients achieve more in life. Among them are mothers who tried to take care of both family and work at the same time and felt cornered; UN ambassadors fighting for childhood vaccinations in countries under martial law; heads of huge transnational corporations and just people who believe that they have not yet experienced everything in life.

I have published some of my findings. 5
I posted some of my findings... David, S., & Congleton, C. (November 2013). emotional agility. How effective leaders manage their negative thoughts and feelings. Harvard Business Review, 125–128.

In Harvard Business Review. I wrote that the vast majority of my clients, and myself, tend to fall into rigid, negative patterns of thought and behavior, and told how this happens. I then described an emotional resilience model that allows you to break free of these patterns and bring about successful and lasting change in your life. The article remained among the most popular publications in the Harvard Business Review for several months; in a short time it was downloaded by almost a quarter of a million users - and this is the total circulation of the printed version of the magazine. HBR declared emotional flexibility as "Management Idea of the Year," a theme picked up by other publications including the Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and Fast Company. Journalists argued that emotional flexibility is the "new emotional intelligence," a breakthrough idea that will change society's understanding of emotions. I am not talking about this to brag, but because the response to my article clearly showed that it hit the mark. It turned out that millions of people are looking for new ways.

In this book, the materials, research and proposals described in the article are significantly expanded and supplemented. But before we get into the specifics, let's take a look at the big picture so you can see what I'm getting at.

Emotional flexibility is the process that allows you to live in the present, knowing when to change your behavior or not in order to stay in line with your intentions and values. This process does not mean that you ignore difficult experiences and thoughts. No, you just stop clinging to them, view them without fear or criticism, and then accept them to let in a grand change for the better in your life.

Developing emotional flexibility occurs in four steps. Here is what you will need to do.

Susan David

Emotional flexibility.

How to learn to enjoy change and enjoy work and life

Published with permission from Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

This edition published by arrangement with Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC.

Dedicated to Anthony - the love of my life - and to my dear Noah and Sophie, who manage to dance every day

Chapter 1

“Directly on the course of the lights, sir. Two miles from us.

The captain returned to the helm.

Are they moving or standing still? he asked the lookout, because radar had not yet been invented at that time.

- Standing, sir.

"Then send a signal," the captain ordered impatiently. “You are on a collision course. Change course twenty degrees."

The answer came in a few seconds.

The captain was offended: not only were they brazenly arguing with him, but also in the presence of a junior in rank!

- Answer! he snapped. “I am the captain of the Royal Navy ship Defiant, a dreadnought of thirty-five thousand tons. Change course twenty degrees."

“Very happy for you, sir. I'm Seaman Second Class O'Reilly. Change course immediately.

The captain, turning purple with anger, yelled:

“This is the flagship of Admiral William Atkinson-Wills!” CHANGE COURSE BY TWENTY DEGREES!

After a pause, sailor O'Reilly said:

“This is the lighthouse speaking, sir.

Book: Emotional Flexibility. Emotional Flexibility

insight 1.

insight 2.

insight 3.

Outcome. The main idea of ​​the book.

Who is this book for?

Chapter: ,

Susan David Emotional flexibility. How to learn to enjoy change and enjoy work and life

Chapter 1

* * *

Rigidity or flexibility?

Outcome. The main idea of the book.

Susan David
Emotional flexibility.
How to learn to enjoy change and enjoy work and life