The husband started an affair with an employee a few years younger than him. Their relationship ended very quickly, and I found out about what happened by accident a few months later. We are now trying to save the family: we have become closer and more frank with each other, we attend therapy sessions. But his ex-lover is like an eyesore. All these few months she has been writing poems about their relationship and posting it on her pages on social networks. And recently already recorded a song based on what happened. Her husband blocked her a long time ago, they do not communicate, I have no reason to worry. And in general, with my mind, I understand that the problem is not in her, but in our family crisis. But I am terribly angry at the inability to tell her directly that their affair has harmed a third person. Alive and real, and not the mythical "unloved wife." That what was a source of inspiration for my husband's former mistress - for me, his wife, became a source of pain. I can’t figure out why her creative impulses annoy me so much and how to cope with the feeling of powerlessness that they cause in me.
Antonina, 37 years old
Antonina, the fact that you are angry in this situation is completely logical and understandable. You've been hurt. But it was not the woman who writes poetry now that hurt you, but your husband, your closest person. You decided to forgive him, this is a very serious decision that was given to you with great difficulty. You experienced not only treason and betrayal, but also many painful minutes in the questions “Who is to blame?” and "What to do?".
Now that the acute phase is behind you, you want to forget this story. You work on relationships with your husband, make new plans, look for positive moments, but every time you get into the social network of that woman, you see a reminder of her husband's betrayal, and this, of course, angers and annoys. In order not to experience irritation over and over again, stop monitoring her social networks. You can’t help climbing, block it too, as my husband did.
You sublimated all your anger at your husband to his ex-lover. No one disputes that a person who knowingly has sexual intercourse with someone who is married or in a relationship is acting low. But this woman did not give you an oath of allegiance. It was not her behavior that hurt you, a specific living person, but the behavior of her husband.
If she had an affair with his married colleague and wrote verses to him, they would not hurt you at all, although her act would have been exactly the same. Perhaps you made the decision too early for yourself to return your husband to the family without having worked through all the anger and resentment against him. And now, trying to improve relations, in order not to aggravate the situation, they switched to an external enemy. Our psyche is so comfortable. It is much easier to hate strangers who have hurt us than our loved ones.
The feeling of powerlessness is quite understandable: you know that this woman does not owe you anything, you are nobody for her, she has the right to write, draw, publish on her pages in social networks whatever she sees fit, and you can’t influence it in any way.
In addition to family work with a psychologist, it will not be superfluous for you to work separately, but with another specialist, of course. After the betrayal, it is important not only to establish communication between the spouses, but also to burn away all the pain and resentment that the one who has been cheated has. From my point of view, this is much more important, because until there is a solid foundation on which to build relations anew, the success of the entire event is in doubt.
You still hurt, you still have an open wound. You get angry precisely at all those feelings that you experience: anger, rage, irritation, sadness, anxiety, indignation. Live them, do not bury them inside yourself in order to improve relations with your husband as soon as possible. Take care of yourself first of all, now it is much more important for you.
There are many jokes about having sex after marriage. But the topic of sex after parting rarely becomes a subject for humor. However, there are couples in whom, after a break, feelings flare up with renewed vigor. From this article, you will learn what to do if the ex became a lover, and also for what reasons men are again trying to return the old relationship.
From this article you will learn:
- Why do exes let themselves know?
- What reasons indicate that the ex wants to return
- If the ex became a lover - is it good or bad
7 Reasons Why Exes Reveal Themselves
As life shows, almost every girl is faced with a situation where a man, after parting, again makes itself felt. A former lover can call a month or a year after the breakup. What to do if the ex-boyfriend began to behave too actively? First of all, let's try to understand the motives of such behavior from the point of view of psychology.
- They are looking for a way to satisfy their ego
A man thus tries to raise his self-esteem. He will be flattered by the fact that the former lover still remembers him and has strong feelings.
- They want to "cry in a vest"
- He realized that it would not be different and better, and decided to return
Many couples eventually face the same problem - the partner suddenly begins to annoy, his shortcomings and general everyday difficulties exacerbate the situation. In this case, the man may have the illusion that he has not yet met the woman of his dreams. However, even having started a relationship on the side, it is possible that after some time he will want to return. There are no ideal people in the world, so a person again has a desire to get close to a girl who has already become his own.
- He has the wrong idea of being friends with you
The wording "let's stay friends" very often accompanies parting. In most cases, this is just an excuse to break up peacefully, but some people are really sure that a former lover can become a friend. Unfortunately, this is only possible if the couple did not have a strong love attachment and passion.
- He has changed
A former man or lover can suddenly remind of himself if he has some changes in his life. For example, he wanted to brag about something or, again, make sure that the girl’s feelings for him had not yet cooled down, that is, to amuse his pride.
- He wants sex
An ex-boyfriend became a lover - a classic scenario of an unfinished relationship. You know each other's habits and tastes well, but you do not bear any obligations.
- He really wants a second chance
To understand that a person is dear to us, we can only part with him. If former man began to actively show signs of attention, perhaps he actually decided to return you.
3 more reasons why a former lover reappears:
10 Signs Your Ex Wants You Back
Breakups are almost always painful. It is extremely difficult to stop communication if a lot of memories are associated with a person. However, it is much more difficult to understand who you have now become to each other: lovers, strangers, friends or enemies. It is possible that even after interrupting contact for a while, you will be able to get back together. Is it possible to bring back broken relationships? It all depends on the reason for the break.
Exist clear signs the fact that the ex-boyfriend is already thinking about a reunion.
- You don't know anything about his personal life
You broke up, but you have no idea how your ex lives. Is he suffering or has he recovered from the shock? Avoid dating or began to actively communicate with the opposite sex? All the details of his life are carefully hidden, and the reason for this may be his desire to return you. If a person tries in every possible way to keep the appearance of a new passion a secret, then either he pities you, or he is reinsured in case you start dating again.
- His behavior makes you suspect that he is bored
Most men are direct in communication, and their condition can be easily understood from the entries in in social networks. If the former suddenly began to actively publish posts with thoughtful sayings and great quotes about love, then this fact speaks for itself. Pay attention, perhaps in them he addresses you and hopes that you will read his message.
- He calls for no particular reason
If your ex-boyfriend or lover suddenly began to call you for no reason, then he is not ready to completely stop communicating with you. Calls under any pretext and a conversation about nothing clearly indicate that he cares about you.
- He's looking for ways to get closer to you
And it goes to rapprochement both physically and morally. Even if you didn’t have a common circle of friends before breaking up, after that you may notice that the ex suddenly began to appear in the same places as you. Being in the same company, he tries in every possible way to reduce the distance, stands or sits nearby, even tries to touch, always hugs or kisses goodbye.
- He never misses a chance to remind you of your relationship.
If your relationship is over, then there is no reason to remember them, especially with a sense of nostalgia. However, if the ex-husband or lover suddenly began to talk about the moments experienced together, to remind you of some cases or to discuss your joint past, then these memories are pleasant to him, and contact with you is necessary.
- He often talks about how he has changed
Even if you broke up by mutual desire and without any mutual claims, your ex may still regret the mistakes he made. If a person suddenly began to change for the better, it means that he is trying to get a second chance and start a relationship anew. He will make excuses in every possible way, even if you have no complaints against him.
- He is jealous
You broke up officially, but the emotional connection is still quite strong. The former still considers himself your lover and for this reason is jealous of your new acquaintances. It would seem that the relationship is over, and you have the right to communicate with anyone, flirt and start novels. However, mentally, the man is sure that you have mutual obligations.
- You often "accidentally" meet him everywhere
Even if your ex wasn't into sports or going out in public in the past, after a breakup, you may notice that he suddenly began to lead an active social life: go to the same gym or nightclub, visit the same shopping centers or parks. If from time to time you meet him near work, then this should also be taken as a certain signal. The likelihood that he was accidentally in this area is extremely small. Most likely he was looking for a meeting with you.
- He calls or texts you when he's drunk
Surely every girl at least once called or wrote ex-boyfriend or a lover after a wild party. However, if a man began to do this regularly, then all his thoughts are concentrated on you. Being under the influence of alcohol, he does not control himself and betrays his true intentions.
- He continues to communicate with your relatives
Even after parting with a loved one, some do not stop communicating with his family. This is easily explained: while you were together, relatives and friends became close friends with your husband or boyfriend, so they keep in touch even after the breakup. There are cases when ex-boyfriends not only send greetings through relatives, but are also actively interested in the details of their personal lives. If the former lover did not interrupt these contacts, then he hopes for a restoration of relations. An invitation to dinner from your mom is a great excuse to be around again.
The former became a lover - good or bad ?!
Situations when the ex-husband became a lover arise for several reasons.
- First. Relationships develop depending on how the ex-husband communicates with you. Some people can become enemies, others simply lose interest in each other. However, often even after a divorce, spouses try to restore a broken marriage and become lovers. Sometimes only parting can show that the husband is the closest and dearest person. It is in such unions that intimacy reappears after the dissolution of the marriage.
- Second. Many couples, even after receiving a divorce certificate, continue to meet already in the status of lovers. It often happens that the formal beginning or end of a relationship, as well as a change in marital status, do not reflect the real situation. An official divorce may not always be the end of a relationship. Some use it for their manipulations, for others it is a source of strong emotions and experiences, a way to return passion. An ex-husband can become a lover if a woman, even living with him in different houses, agrees to continue intimacy. In other words, such a connection is maintained only for the sake of sex. Obviously, such relationships are not healthy. This situation can be a temporary salvation. However, if you want to meet a new man, the ex-husband should not be a backup lover.
- Third. Even those couples whose separation was accompanied by conflicts can become lovers after a divorce. This is due to the need to often intersect in work or friendly circles. According to Western psychologists, the probability that a former partner, with mutual consent, can become a lover, reaches 95%. For this reason, you need to minimize any communication or meet only in a formal setting and in the presence of a large number of people.
According to psychologists, sex after a divorce can be a real problem, and for both parties. In most cases, such relationships arise on the basis of desperation. A former spouse can become a lover if a woman wants to return him to the family in every possible way. Men who are less serious about sex continue to have an affair with their wife simply out of habit. Often the reason for parting can be the betrayal of her husband. The situation will be especially traumatic for a woman if the ex-husband lives in two houses. Therefore, it is better to avoid meetings for one or two months.
Sometimes a former spouse may become a lover not at all because of a desire to restore relationships or have fun. Often, financial difficulties do not allow spouses to leave. The need to maintain communication may be associated with the presence of common children or a joint business. In such a situation, it is necessary to understand whether there are prospects for reunification. If, apart from sex, nothing connects you, then it is better to stop intimate contacts. An ex-husband is not the best candidate for the role of a lover.
Try to ignore the problems and find life priorities. Give yourself time to think, do not throw yourself into the arms of another lover just because the ex-husband does not get out of his head. It is worth putting an end to previous relationships, and only after that start new ones.
Psychotherapists have the concept of a metamorphic "suitcase of problems." The situation arises when a person takes away from past relationships not only part of the jointly acquired property, but also common problems, which are then projected onto new relationships. As a result, a woman with a heap of experiences and complexes goes from one marriage to another (or from one lover to another) until she is finally disappointed in herself.
Every woman after a divorce needs to take a break and temporarily give up any close relationships. Don't be in a rush to get a new lover as it takes time for you to sort out the reasons for the breakup. Analyze your mistakes, try to understand why the family could not be saved.
Only by becoming a full-fledged person without the load of fears of problems, you can start a new relationship. That's when you realize that an interesting man and good sex with him is a more pleasant prospect than a former spouse who can only become a lover.
How can a woman understand that a man is not serious about her and can only become a lover:
Thank you for reading this article to the end
Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy halves, build harmonious relationship and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.
More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.
My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!
“There are so many single guys” - this is only sung in the song. There may be many of them on the streets of Saratov. But here in Petrozavodsk I don’t see point-blank. The good men were ripped off. You yourself understand how high-quality goods they are not stale.
My husband has always been appreciated by women. They said how lucky I was. They jinxed it, probably. And in our family something happened that still seems like a terrible dream to me. After all, I was sure that our marriage had such a margin of safety that no female charms were terrible. And, of course, even thoughts were not born in my head that the dearest person could have a mistress.
When my own sister told me about this, I even got angry with her. How is this possible if we have lived in harmony for twenty years? The children are good - the daughter is in the senior class, and the son studied at Petrozavodsk University. Yes, we are already over 40 years old. But my sister stubbornly repeated to me: open your eyes and look at things realistically.
I still didn't believe. True, she began to take a closer look at what time her husband comes home, whom he calls, how he is going to work. And I didn't notice anything new. The only place where I could not check his behavior was on business trips. And they have him regular - so the work requires. He travels with checks in the districts almost every month.
But my sister assured me that business trips had nothing to do with it. The mistress lives in our city. And just in the area where my sister works in one of the firms. And more than once she saw her husband leaving the house opposite. "What is he doing there? Haven't you thought? Ask him!" she enlightened me. I never had the habit of following my husband, looking into his call log, reading text messages. And so she considered asking him a question about her mistress just her own humiliation. I probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for a terrible accident.
It was summer. We were preparing for my son's birthday and I decided to bake his favorite strawberry cake. And outside the city, not far from Yarn, live our friends, who grew a lot of strawberries that summer. They ordered to come and collect berries for the holiday. Here the husband and daughter went to them. They both returned strange, but I did not bother with questions. And literally the next day, I remember well that it was Saturday, because my daughter was going to a disco, and everything turned out. Her father did not like to let her go to the club. She always returned late, we were both worried, so it always came to a scandal. I allowed it, but he didn't. And this time, they had a big fight. The daughter burst into tears and shouted through her tears: “Mom, you don’t know anything! He has a child, a daughter! The name is Vika!
I instantly remembered my sister's warnings. Has it really gone that far? The ceiling above me began to descend like a raven. I was thrown into a fever. And in my throat everything was intercepted so that I could not utter a word. The husband looked reproachfully at his daughter, and told me that he would explain everything so that I would calm down.
Mom, can you imagine, when we were driving for berries and dad stopped at a gas station, while he went to pay for gasoline, I opened the glove compartment and saw his passport there. I just decided to take a look. And where the children are registered, I found the name of the girl with his last name. That is, dad has three children, mom! - ahead of her all his explanations.
I will not tell you what I experienced at that moment. Words still can't convey. The husband got dressed and went out, and I sat down and seemed to “die”. Petrified, in general. When her husband returned, she could not utter a word. However, we were both silent. And so it went on for several days. And then I silently packed a suitcase for him, stuffing it there without thinking that and putting our wedding photo on top for some reason. She put the "load" of her years at the door. My husband saw him when he came home from work.
What's this? he asked, as if not understanding what was the matter.
What do you think? I don't want to see you anymore, - I answered and burst into tears. This is where my tears flowed. I cried bitterly, did not want to listen to anything, although he started the conversation, trying to explain the situation to me. I plugged my ears and repeated one thing: “Go away!” He left that evening and disappeared for several days.
I began to worry. I cried and thought only of one thing: if only nothing happened. She decided to call.
"Well? Happy? returned to her?" I started with questions. I could tell from his voice that his mood was worse than ever. He told me that he was not going to return anywhere, he lived in an apartment with a colleague, and he went on vacation. He also said where he lives, apparently, so that I could check this truth of his.
My legs carried me to him. I hated myself for it, but I ran early in the morning to catch him before work. We met and talked. He did not beat his chest, did not repent, did not make excuses, but simply told me this:
I didn't even think about cheating on you. I don't understand how it happened. Drank too much. Then we didn't meet. And one day she found me and told me she was pregnant. She only asked to register the child when he was born, saying that she didn’t need anything more from me. But I can't live without noticing what I've done myself. I visit them, but believe me, only to help, to spend a little time with the girl - it's not her fault. I just didn't want you to know the truth. Take care of you, because I love you very much. Decide yourself. I will rent an apartment and live alone.
I didn't know whether to believe him or not. Shed a sea of tears. She fell into a terrible state. I didn't even want to live. The children were saved. My daughter cared about me very much and regretted that she told this truth about her father. And the son helped in everything, but he began to avoid his father, did not answer his calls, did not take money from him.
And yet I filed for divorce. Realizing that the children have grown up and I can explain everything to them, I made this decision. But for all the severity of what happened, the feeling that we could not live without each other did not leave me. I got divorced, as if I wanted to make sure. He took great care of the children as before, ran to them at the first call. All my requests were also fulfilled with lightning speed.
And one day, on the next anniversary of our wedding, he called and offered to meet. I ordered a taxi and they took me to a restaurant. We sat very sincerely ... We didn’t sort things out, we didn’t swear love, but we just felt that we were very dear to each other. I was sure that if I had told him then: “Come back”, he would have been in heaven with happiness. But I didn't. I decided to tease him. After all, they hinted to me more than once that he had a fan at work, that he danced with her at a corporate party, that he saw her off, etc. Look, they say, you are giving away such a man. Therefore, I was in no hurry to get closer to my ex-husband. And after that date, he began to call and invite me to dinner at his place (he still rented the apartment for two years).
And I was running towards him. I wanted this to the point of impossibility. Our second youth has begun. A new passion... I didn't say anything to the kids. And when I didn’t spend the night at home, I figured out what my friend had, because she had gone on a business trip, and she entrusted me to look after her beloved cat.
What cat? - my daughter gave me the other day. - Mom, what kind of cat? Yes, you have a lover! And we know for sure that it is ... dad.
So anything can happen in life. But if there is love, she will put everything in its place. And everything will be decided for us...
Anastasia Dobrokhotova
Letters from afar
“I never considered myself a fool, and at work I’m also not one of the fools, the position does not allow.
She did not agree to play the role of a fool in the family either.
We met Yegor by chance, seven years ago, while on vacation in Italy. We were with a friend, he was with a friend. Started, spun, ended a year later with wedding rings and stamps in passports.
Unhappy? On the contrary, happy! But already alone. Rather, divorced, but with the former again.
Why didn't you take on the role of the fool?
We met, laughed a lot, joked, talked.
Egor once said that he loves beautiful and smart girls, but he only marries a fool. Or rather, one that will not "beat" him in salary, will not dictate conditions and rules, will not go beyond what is permitted, will not set unnecessary questions. He needs a bright, beautiful, fashionable wife who will be just an ornament and give birth to smart, beautiful and healthy children. Such as his sister.
I kept silent that smart children are not born, they are brought up smart, as a rule, by mothers. A fool can give birth and raise only their own kind.
Marriage did not change anything in our life, we just began to live together in Yegor's apartment.
They worked, in their free time they went to the cinema and to visit friends, kept house, went on vacation and travel.
I didn't say what my real salary is. She brought to the family budget only the amount that was 10 thousand less than that of her husband. It suited him.
When it came to children, I said that I don’t plan children in the next five years, especially since we discussed this issue even before the wedding. But the husband began to insist, disagreements appeared in the family.
Once, during a family dinner, I told my husband's sister that even if I give birth to a child, I will be on maternity leave for a maximum of a year, but at the same time continue to work, fortunately, work allows. She did not understand me, how it is with the nannies of the child, but for whom / what to give birth? After that, my husband and I again had a serious conversation.
By the way, yes, the husband’s sister and mother believed that the wife should be able to be a fool, not ask unnecessary questions, not swear, cook / clean / wash even at night, then the family would be decent. A man sometimes needs to relax with friends and sometimes he can afford to drink, not spend the night at home, go fishing. Almost all men do this. They tend to "walk", this guarantees a calm family life and the desire to make good money.
Two years of marriage, a year of hassle and resentment, and a divorce. I am free, the former married again six months later. A suitable wife for him was found by his sister. The new one quickly gave birth to one child, and then a second with an interval of a year.
Living in the same city, my ex and I did not intersect. Everyone has their own life, their own worries and interests, their own roads. But, as you know, even parallel lines have an intersection point. And it happened. New Year's corporate party in the same restaurant, champagne, music, a couple of pieces of slow, light snow in the rays of lanterns, romance...
Night. Then another ... And we realized that we parted in vain ...
For almost two years I have been my mistress ex-husband. I feel sorry for his wife, but it happens.
I don't feel sorry for his sister and mother. They wanted grandchildren and nephews. Now they have them. There is a correct daughter-in-law. And we have us. We go on vacation together, go to visits and go to the cinema. Does his wife know about this?
I'm sure she is, but she's one of those who "will not go beyond what is permitted, will not ask unnecessary questions."
We never talk about her. I'm not interested in the other side of my ex's life. I am interested in the present. My present.
Once Yegor asked me if I would marry him again if he divorced his wife?
I honestly answered: "No!"
I do not see the point and there is no need.
Tell me, please, do you also think that a smart wife should pretend to be a fool in order to save her family?
Are husband's "walks" acceptable?
About real love relationships I don’t ask with the former, then I’ll figure it out myself.
By the way, I take money from him without a twinge of conscience and without embarrassment.
All wonderful relationships and bright love emotions!
With respect to all, the reader of your LiveJournal, Irina S.
