How to be together from a distance. Relationships at a distance psychologist's advice

Many couples go through the ordeal of long distance relationships. The situation of a forced long separation requires the lovers to make efforts so that the spiritual and emotional connection between them is not interrupted. Being far from each other, it is much more difficult for partners to remain united. In this article, we'll show you how to keep a long distance relationship alive.

From this article you will learn:

Why do people in love stay away?
What are the pros and cons of a long distance relationship?
Why you should take pen-pal love seriously
How loving hearts behave in separation
How to keep and maintain feelings at a distance

Love at a distance - what is it

Relations at a distance can be of two types:

forced;
voluntary.

We are talking about forced when one of the partners, due to external circumstances, must leave the other for a long time. This may be a long business trip, contract work abroad, study in another city or service in the armed forces. In addition, there are a number of professions associated with a long absence from home. Sailors, geologists, fishermen can work for several months, sometimes without even being able to get in touch. They are well aware of what long-distance relationships are. They know how to keep love if a loved one is not around for a long time.

It is very difficult for both partners in a situation where there is no way to constantly communicate with a loved one, feel his warmth and support. The first weeks of separation are especially difficult, but over time people get used to living in new circumstances. At this moment, it is very important not to let the feelings cool down, the relationship must continue, just taking into account the new realities.

Voluntary relationships at a distance - a special case. We are talking about those partners who met in absentia, their communication proceeds exclusively through correspondence, video calls or telephone conversations. Social networks, dating sites, online games - these are just the most common ways to find a congenial person with whom you want to discuss common topics, find out his point of view on various issues.

Whether such relationships at a distance can develop into real communication and living together depends only on the interlocutors themselves. If there is complete mutual understanding between them, spiritual closeness, coincidence on many life issues, it is likely that they will completely suit each other live. You can meet at a distance and save the relationship by meeting in real life. In the end, it is simply stupid to deny the love that has arisen online: today people living thousands of kilometers apart have every opportunity to maintain constant communication, share news and emotions at the very second when they appear. This helps to establish contact, to get closer spiritually, to understand the position of a potential partner on the most important topics.

Disadvantages of long distance relationships

People who want to keep a relationship at a distance face certain problems. This does not mean that the couple's life will turn into a constant overcoming of difficulties, but some efforts will have to be made to maintain feelings, and both partners equally. Let's talk about the most difficult things in a long distance relationship.

Lack of contact

Communication is always based on contact between people. It can manifest itself in different ways, there are several types of it:

emotional;
physical;
spiritual.

The most important of these, of course, is physical contact. It is he who serves as the basis for normal relations. Partners can be close in spirit, experience similar emotions, but if they do not have the opportunity to touch each other, look into the eyes, feel the breath, such communication cannot be called complete.

The importance of tactile sensations has been proven by scientists: without touch and physical contact, the strongest spiritual connection weakens over time, without receiving support. There is only one way out - to try to meet with a partner as often as possible, because even a short live communication gives a powerful charge for further maintaining relationships at a distance.

Personal life

Another danger that awaits lovers in a long separation is the emergence of interests in which the second partner is not involved in any way. This is not about intimate relationships on the side, but about the desire to find an interesting occupation, acquire new knowledge and skills and, as a result, the formation of a new circle of acquaintances. Suppose a wife, in the absence of her husband, began to visit gym, began to actively participate in the child's school life or pay more attention to growing flowers in their summer cottage. Naturally, her social circle was replenished with people whom her husband does not know. The spouse, being on a long business trip abroad, also gets new experience - professional, everyday, cultural. He draws knowledge from foreign colleagues, visits museums, tries new dishes.

When spouses finally meet, at first they may feel strange. On the one hand, this is still the same native person, on the other hand, he has changed, become somehow unusual, he is interested in new topics unknown to the partner.

The personal life of each during the breakup did not stand still, common interests were replaced by personal ones. This does not mean that an abyss arose between them, on the contrary, each was enriched with new knowledge and skills, which can now be exchanged among themselves.

Lack of attention

To maintain feelings, it is necessary to constantly exchange compliments, signs of caring for each other. Any manifestation of attention to a partner helps him feel needed and loved. At a distance, this simple rule becomes more difficult to follow: being in different time zones, people do not always live in the same rhythm.

The lack of attention experienced by one of the participants in the relationship can lead to a feeling of own uselessness and push him to change. This will be the most natural way fill in the void.

Fortunately, modern technologies provide all the opportunities for constant attention to your soul mate. Sending a message in a messenger, a cute picture or a smiley will take seconds, and the recipient will feel the love and care of a partner even at a distance.

Uncertain future

This risk is more for people who communicate exclusively at a distance and have never met in real life. Making plans in this case is a thankless task, the situation can change in any direction. A correspondence acquaintance with the same probability can both interrupt communication and take a decisive step towards. Another thing is when it comes to a married couple who are forced to live in different cities or countries. Spouses are connected by common affairs, relatives, children, so they cannot do without planning for the future.

Independent life

Left alone for a while, each of the partners gets used to relying only on themselves, to solve all the problems that arise on their own. On the one hand, this is good, but the danger for the relationship lies in the fact that the need to wait for outside help gradually disappears. A woman who is accustomed to coping with domestic troubles in the absence of her husband will no longer bother him with requests to fix a tap or hang a mirror, but will call a specialist. For a man, this behavior of his wife may seem offensive, because he himself can do this work.

The attitude of others

The seriousness of relationships at a distance often causes skepticism among friends, relatives and acquaintances. The established opinion in society that real mutual understanding is possible only with direct live communication makes others doubt the authenticity of the feelings of correspondence partners. Of course, there is some truth in this, but if people experience mutual attraction, it is likely that their relationship will develop in real life.

The risk of betrayal

Even the strongest emotional and spiritual connection can not resist the onslaught of a possible physical attraction to an outsider. The risk of infidelity increases if the separation lasts a very long time and is also accompanied by mutual claims and misunderstanding between partners. Any quarrel can be an impetus to seek sympathy on the side.

Suspicion

Realistically assessing the likelihood of betrayal, partners begin to experience constant fear and a desire to control all the actions of their soul mate. A missed call, a message not read immediately give plenty of room for imagination. Jealousy makes you constantly think that the partner is infatuated with someone else, his loyalty is called into question, and the inability to be around brings the situation to a boil.

Lack of proper support

Life is full of various events, both pleasant and not so pleasant. Close people get used to rejoice and grieve together, support each other in any situation. Having lost that opportunity, partners experience serious discomfort.

Difficulty of meetings

Long distances between lovers usually do not allow them to meet as often as they would like. There are usually two reasons: lack of free time and the need for large financial costs. Some couples get out of the situation by organizing meetings on neutral territory - in a place that is an equal distance from both.

Benefits of temporary separation

No one can predict whether the relationship between partners who are forced to spend a long time away from each other will continue. The decisive role in this is played by the personal qualities of both and the strength of the feelings that they have for each other.

Lovers, separated by circumstances, can survive this life test without any problems and even benefit for themselves. Let's talk about the benefits of a long distance relationship.

How to keep love at a distance

Eliminate external stimuli

We are talking about those factors that the partner perceives as a threat to the relationship. It is quite understandable if a man is against a girl maintaining a relationship with an ex or happily responding to the calls of her friends to relax in a circle. strangers. Of course, everything should be in moderation: the requirements to lock yourself at home and stop communicating with everyone around you should at least arouse suspicion.

Don't try to be someone you're not

This is more true for those relationships that begin in absentia. There is always a temptation to embellish oneself, to attribute non-existent qualities to oneself, to exaggerate dignity. If a meeting in real life takes place, a pen pal will be unpleasantly surprised that his expectations do not correspond to reality.

Don't lose contact

Unanswered calls and messages will make the partner worry and suspect the other half that feelings have cooled down. At the first opportunity, it is worth getting in touch to calm him down, to let him know that everything is in order. Fortunately, today it is very easy to maintain contact with a person, wherever he is.

Be friendly and open

Everyone can have a bad mood, in everyday life there are too many factors that can cause irritation and annoyance. Sharing your negative attitude with a partner is not a good idea, especially if the relationship is just starting.

Do not throw tantrums and scandals

Do not think that only women are capable of this. Some representatives of the stronger sex are also not averse to sort things out in a raised voice. Such a manner of communication at a distance is especially dangerous: living nearby, partners will reconcile after a while, and it is much more difficult to do this hundreds of kilometers apart.

Enjoy the little things

A cute little thing, which in separation will remind of a loved one, will be equally delighted by both a man and a woman. A bouquet of flowers delivered by a courier will allow a girl to feel loved, even when her boyfriend is very far away. He, in turn, will be pleased to receive a scarf knitted by a friend or a jar of jam, which she will pass on with her friends.

Don't be afraid to reveal

Relationships at a distance should not completely go into the realm of platonic. Partners will only benefit if they openly discuss their desires, maintain interest in each other physically.

Sharing experiences and emotions

TOP 17 Rules for Maintaining Long Distance Relationships

Avoid too much communication. Many couples believe that the forced separation should be compensated by constant phone calls or video calls. This is partly due to the desire to control a partner, to exclude the very possibility of his communication with other people. Such relationships tire both of them, make them live in suspense. Partners, confident friend in a friend, do not see the need for every minute messaging. It is better to talk once a day at a time convenient for both, to calmly discuss the latest events, than to distract the spouse from work or leisure, requiring a constant report. Sincere words of support and care are valued much higher than a formal display of attention.
Take advantage of separation. At first glance, this advice looks strange. Close people due to circumstances are very far from each other, what can be useful in this? However, the ability to live at a distance and maintain strong relationships at the same time speaks of the maturity of feelings, such couples are not afraid of more serious trials. When a loved one is hundreds of kilometers away, he does not cease to be dear and desirable. Separation makes partners feel more acutely how much they need each other.
Do not think that a long breakup is detrimental to relationships. Rather, it good way test them for strength, make sure the partners are faithful and their desire to save the family.
Develop rules that are binding on both. Relationships within each couple are built according to different principles, which depend on the upbringing, cultural and religious environment, and even the age of the partners. The upcoming separation should be perceived as a difficult period when both participants in the relationship will have to sacrifice something, therefore it is better if the limits of the allowable are indicated in advance. For example, it is worth specifying whether partners can individually visit, go to clubs, travel with friends . Men and women can have completely different points of view on the same subject: what seems like innocent entertainment to one, is equated to treason for another.
Introduce an element of creativity into daily communication. Wish good morning and good night - naturally for loved ones. However, you should not demand from a partner that he is constantly in the access zone and instantly answers video calls. You can not turn the desire to communicate with your loved one into a heavy duty. Exchange of interesting videos, photos and music, joint online games will be a more pleasant pastime than sighs in front of the monitor. It is not necessary to retell your day minute by minute, it is enough to convey the most important and interesting information.
Don't be afraid to talk about sexual topics. Physical attraction is a completely natural part of relationships between people, in many cases it is sexual understanding that is a reliable “cement” responsible for their strength.
When there are huge distances between partners, satisfaction of both physiological desire and emotional intimacy is equally impossible. But this does not mean at all that the topic of sexual intimacy should be banned. On the contrary, discussing their sexual desires with two close people helps them maintain interest in each other.
Thanks to modern means communication, a confidential exchange of candid photos and immodest messages is possible. All this will help to keep the man's interest. You can even use video chat if you want. Of course, full-fledged sex will not replace this, but it will keep partners in good shape.
Avoid provocative situations. The agreement between the participants in the relationship about what can and cannot be done in separation was mentioned above. If you are going to break the rules, you must be aware that the consequences can be very serious. If a girl promised not to accept offers from her friends to visit a nightclub, she must understand that a man will not like it if his word is broken. good idea: deceit can be discovered, and then trust between partners will be seriously undermined.
Do not take with hostility the request to refrain from going to entertainment establishments. It is likely that we are talking about elementary care and the desire to protect from possible negative consequences. In any case, it is worth considering what is more important - gatherings with unfamiliar people or the calmness of a loved one.
Do something together. It's no secret that working together brings people together. Thanks to modern technologies even at a distance you can find scope for mutual pastime. Choosing holiday gifts for relatives, an online game, watching a concert of your favorite group - there are a lot of options. If you plan to repair an apartment upon your husband’s return from a business trip, you can start designing building materials, sanitary ware and tiles. Such an occupation will not allow the head of the family to remain on the sidelines, and all important decisions will be made jointly.
Do similar things. To maintain a common interest and always have topics for discussion, it is useful to watch the same films, read the same books, listen to similar music. As a result, partners can speak the same language, relying on images and topics that are understandable to both.
Inform each other. Take every opportunity to meet your loved one. Even very rare dates will give strength for further life at a distance, will be a good incentive to maintain relationships.
The fact that for couples who constantly live nearby is commonplace, for people who met after a long separation, it becomes of great value. For the sake of hugs, kisses, the opportunity to smell a loved one, they are ready to overcome distances, endure inconvenience and incur financial expenses.
Every minute of a long-awaited meeting is perceived as a gift of fate, and every rare date is like an unforgettable holiday, for the sake of which it is worth patiently waiting for the next date in order to eventually reunite with a partner forever.
Set a common goal for yourself. People who live together are constantly planning their near future: what to do on the weekends, where to go on vacation, when to renovate an apartment. To keep a relationship at a distance, it is worth adhering to the same principle. The fact that partners are separated by hundreds of kilometers should not be an obstacle to a joint discussion of goals. Separation will end sooner or later, but the experience of creating common plans will remain.
Discuss important points: when you can chat via video link, and on what day you will have to limit yourself to correspondence in the messenger. Infrequent meetings also require advance planning and careful preparation.
Don't lock yourself in. The habit of constantly being with a partner can lead to the fact that the forced separation will be very difficult to endure. If all life is focused on one person, his absence will be perceived as a tragedy.
You should not limit your circle of friends to one, even a very dear person to you. Relatives, friends, parents of the child's classmates - there are many people around each of us for whom there is usually not enough time. While the partner is away, they will help fill this difficult period with new events and impressions.
Be honest. Very often, participants in relationships try to protect each other from negative emotions and hide the troubles that have occurred, do not talk about their fears, experiences, fears. However, such behavior alienates close people, creates an abyss between them, which will subsequently be very difficult to overcome. All this will eventually interfere with maintaining relationships at a distance. The advice of psychologists in this case comes down to one thing: do not hesitate to talk about your problems. By hiding them from your partner, you thereby limit his ability to help you with advice, moral support and just be aware of what is bothering you.
Be aware of each other's daily routine. By the will of circumstances, people can long time be in different time zones, which inevitably entails a mismatch between periods of sleep and wakefulness. In order not to cause problems for your partner at work and not wake him up in the middle of the night, you need to know what routine he lives by. In order to maintain a relationship at a distance with your loved one, you need regular communication. But it is even more important that he receives calls and messages at a convenient time, and not during important negotiations or in the middle of a night's sleep. It is quite understandable if such an appeal remains unanswered.
Keep each other up to date on what your plans are for the near future. This will help to avoid misunderstandings and resentment, will allow loved ones to feel close, even when there are thousands of kilometers between them.
Follow your partner's activity on social networks. The forced separation lasts for months, and it is difficult for both to endure it. Fortunately, today the life of lovers living far from each other is greatly simplified thanks to modern means of communication. There is no need to wait for a letter for weeks or run to a call center, just go to the social network and make sure that everything is in order with your dear person. Moreover, users have a great opportunity to communicate not only in words, but also exchange photos, videos and favorite music. You can send a link to a movie you like or an anniversary gift you like for your parents to get your partner's opinion.
Give me something to remember. Do not ignore small souvenirs that do not require large financial costs, but are expensive for your soul mate. Any little thing that is necessary in everyday life will remind you of your love and care. A keychain, a purse, a lighter will be a clear symbol of how you strive to keep relationships at a distance.
Women are especially inclined to attach importance to such gifts. Due to their greater sentimentality, they remember their loved one every time they use the perfume presented to them or put on a pendant.
Share news about parents, relatives and friends. Any couple is surrounded by people who make up a joint social circle - parents, brothers and sisters, their families, as well as friends and acquaintances. The exchange of news about the joyful and sad events of their lives unites spouses who are forced to live far from each other. At the same time, you should not reproach yourself for washing the bones to friends or distant relatives. There is nothing reprehensible in this, and this will help you keep the relationship at a distance and survive the difficult period of separation.
Maintain a positive attitude. When a loved one is away for a long time, maintaining an optimistic approach to life is not as easy as it seems. Forced loneliness, the inability to see and feel a partner can discourage even the most positive-minded lover. Still, you should not give in to the desire to constantly suffer from the fact that vast distances separate you. Learn to find advantages in the fact that you are not together yet, use this time for self-improvement, acquiring new knowledge and useful skills.
Think about how many people cannot find their soul mate, and feel grateful for the world that has given you the opportunity to love, be loved and be happy, even at a distance. Sooner or later, the separation will end, so often dream about the day when you will finally be together.

Are long distance relationships even possible?

Thank you for reading this article to the end

Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy halves, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.

More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.

My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!

Big seen from afar. Here is your pure love looks great from there too. An article about how to maintain and even improve relationships while keeping a distance.

Text: Danila Maslov
Illustrations: Alexander Kotlyarov

Learn to compliment the handset

Do not be afraid to go too far with sentimental nonsense and even, let's not be afraid of this word, with lisping in telephone conversations. The fact is that in a normal conversation, a large part of your positive attitude towards the interlocutor is conveyed by facial expressions, glances, gestures and intonation. Telephone communication eats all this up, and therefore a person who speaks in his usual manner appears to be much colder and more distant than he really is. So feel free to give the green light to all the kitties, masiks and little pussies who dare to sneak into your speech. Most importantly, try not to be caught by friends and colleagues doing this. Another well-known management consultant, author of a manual on telephone etiquette, Alain Mackenzie, noted that it is advisable to fence off secretaries at the reception with a soundproof shield, since “exaggeratedly kind voices and expressions that competent operators use quite reasonably cause a feeling of falsehood and irritation among other employees.”

Provide yourself with 24/7 free communication

If you buy a microphone and download a free program like Ventrilo or Teamspeak, you can stay in touch around the clock and almost for free, even if half the planet separates you. The effect of presence is amazing - there is a feeling that a person is in the same apartment with you. You can even more technologize the process by using a video camera. But still, it’s better to do without it: the feeling that you are constantly being watched is not so much touching as it is annoying.

Meet more often in neutral territories

She lives in Vladivostok - you are in Istanbul. Why not make an appointment in Helsinki next time? So none of you will grieve with secret thoughts on the topic “Yeah, he arrives when he wants, but let me sit, wait until he deigns to appear.” Or: “Is all this worth the endless winding back and forth, these damn planes, sleep deprivation and crazy money, if I don’t seem to be too happy here?” And in an unusual place for both of you, you will have equal playing conditions: no “hosts” and “guests”. On the contrary, you will not only be equalized, but also inexpressibly brought together by the joint struggle for survival in an attempt to find out how in Finnish it will be “a clean pillowcase one piece pliz-pliz-pliz”.

Try to understand her

The exoticism of tastes, language and appearance excites only at first. In the future, these charming dissimilarity (prayer at three in the morning, refusal to take off the sombrero even at night), on the contrary, discourage. Still, for reproduction, we try to select a partner of the same species with us ... If you want to continue your relationship with a charming foreigner - sob, but learn her language, no matter how many syllables the word "sex" consists of. Avoid constant opposition between "you" and "us" - let her understand that you, by and large, are the same guy as everyone else. Simply better.

« I'm the only girl I know who waited for a guy from the army. I wrote to him every day for two years. And she also kept a diary so that when he arrives, he could familiarize himself. And here is a completely alien uncle who non-stop engages in rather nasty sex with me and swears. Surviving the meeting turned out to be more difficult than separation. »

Don't expect too much from a meeting after a long break

Yes, if you are lucky, you will fall into each other's arms - and thousands of silver canaries will sing about the strength of your feelings. But canaries may not be in the voice - you should be prepared for this in advance. And it's not even that during your separation, she managed to cut her hair like Bob Dylan and put herself sapphire braces. Much more important is what you and she will smell with your nose. Only 2% of information about the world around a person receives from the smell, but these 2% are decisive when it comes to intimacy(in this case, the word "intimate" means not only "sexy" - such tricks sometimes happen with this term). In order to feel incredibly your own this girl in a miniskirt, you need to properly sniff her after separation (and her to you, by the way, too). If the receptors are able to recognize familiar smells, you are in luck. If the receptors pose as sclerotics, it will be more difficult. The shorter the parting was, the more likely it was that the pheromone portrait of the partner was not written off as unnecessary, and after several days of painful memories, everything will go as before.

Get ready for more challenges

Passionate sex after a separation can also turn out to be quite dull, if it comes out at all. That is, it is not a fact that he will not be magnificent, but the chances of this are less than we would like. Firstly, and here vile receptors will fuss, who will not know how to classify the smell of the body lying next to them: it is clearly not drawn to a new unexpected passion, but the sweet moment of recognition also does not seem to happen. You need to take time out to think... Secondly, high expectations and a period of long abstinence (let's be idealists!) for both partners will play their role. To minimize the risk of a fiasco, it is best to maintain physical contact as closely as possible before you are in bed. Hand holding, hugging walks and other calf tenderness will come in handy here: they will weaken the barrier of detachment and help to cope with possible excessive excitement.

« a little more than a year I had an amazing affair with a Swiss. Communicated with the help of international words and waving of hands. They met at least once a month - in all parts of the world, from Moscow to Morocco. And then I foolishly sat down to learn French and began to understand it. And all the fun is over. Because he was constantly carrying a blizzard ... »

Don't make her jealous

Jealousy often spoils happy unions, occasionally makes them even stronger, but when it comes to relationships at a distance, it turns into the purest pure poison. These relationships can only be built on absolute trust and absolute lies. Any hostage of a romance of a million kilometers is forced to take his partner's word for it, since he does not have the ability to control him. In such a hopeless situation, a person usually subconsciously takes measures of self-preservation, namely: he is filled with a deep and unshakable confidence that the distant beloved is a miracle of morality. This is the only justification for a languidly lonely life in eternal waiting mode. "I'm sitting by the window, I haven't gone anywhere, I'm still waiting for the appearance of his ship." And as a result, the liberties that can be quite allowed when communicating with a partner who is constantly nearby are completely unacceptable here. It's not worth telling how you dined with your ex, how "Miss Anapa" flirted with you and that you dropped into a strip club with foreign colleagues (boring things!). No, you can do all this, but God forbid telling such a wonderful truth to the heroine, who spent at least two of the last seven Fridays at home alone, rereading your letters (so-so entertainment, you yourself understand).

Jealousy, which cannot be appeased by control, turns into such exquisite torture that self-cooling mechanisms are activated. If partners in a long-distance relationship have doubts about the fidelity and true affection of the second partner, then such a relationship is almost certainly doomed.

It is better to meet one day a month than a week every six months

Psychologists have such a term - "mutual recognition - the ability of a person to enjoy the fact that he receives any information about another person, and the friendly attitude towards this person that arises as a result of the accumulation of such information." So, mutual recognition is a very long process that goes on throughout life. It builds a mother's love for her child, family and friendships. But in order for recognition to be successful, it must be more or less continuous. Nature made sure that we were able to forget what we love, and did it very hard.

A child of 5-6 months forgets his own mother in 3-4 weeks, a two-year-old remembers her for 2-3 months. The older we get, the more pauses in communication we are capable of without losing its quality. Nevertheless, we also have our own limits - each individual. Six months of separation is already close to the average critical mark. Usually, in six months, even spouses who have lived together for several decades internally come to terms with the departure or death of a partner.

« For two years I was the bride of a German musician, there was a terrible love. But I could not move to him permanently, I had to finish my studies here. In the end, he married his Christina, whom we always went to visit with him when I came. Because Christina - she is always here, and I am always there. I did not mind, I also already had Andrey »

Don't turn your life into a waiting room

You can, of course, give up all the joys of life, build an altar at home from her underwear and photographs, honestly languish in separation and spend long nights looking at “your” star, which she, perhaps, also looked at now. But the harder you keep yourself in a state of languor, the sooner it will all be over. Your psyche is not iron: if it decides that you are terrorizing it too actively, it will take retaliatory action. And you yourself will not notice how the sight of your girlfriend’s tiny slippers, her name and the sound of her voice on the phone from sacred relics will suddenly turn into things that annoy you in an amazing way ... The thing is that we are ill-equipped for suffering, and the factors that make us worry beyond measure quickly move into the undesirable category.

« I had an affair with an extreme athlete who was leaving all the time. Now I think that it was necessary to drop everything and wander around the Tien Shan and Karakum with him - this would be the only way to save relations. They say that about the wives of sailors - they are so accustomed to this. In coastal cities, all local traditions are designed for women to live on their own, and men sometimes return to visit them. If you don’t consider this lifestyle normal from childhood, you will never get used to it. »

If it is possible not to have a relationship at a distance - do not have them.

And if this relationship is really dear to you, drop everything and go to her. Or grab the young lady in an armful and drag her to you. Work, home, friends - all this can be dealt with. Some went to America with one nail and a jar of strawberry jam in their pockets - and nothing, they became governors. Still, long-distance relationships are not at all for strong feelings, as for some reason it is commonly believed. Rather, on the contrary: they are much more pleasant and unpretentious at almost total absence no feelings at all.

More or less happy relationships are based on certain components, such as: compatibility (psychological, physiological, emotional, etc.), a common worldview, and preferably a common geography. But it often happens that a couple has to live in two cities or countries, or a guy and a girl get to know each other at a distance and these relationships begin to develop.

How do long distance relationships develop?

Psychologists distinguish 4 main stages of long-distance relationships.

The period of falling in love in a relationship at a distance

When emotional euphoria and a feeling of lightness come over you, all thoughts are about the person you like. You call or write to this person, communicate with him, there is a feeling as if this person reads all your thoughts, feels you and your mood. This is a time of spiritual inspiration, recognition of each other, manifestation of mutual interest in everything that happens in the life of another person.

At the beginning of a long-distance relationship, such as dating and falling in love over the Internet or on the phone, people make the mistake of falling in love with an image they have invented, and not with a real person. And the image and real person can be drastically different. There may be a gap between your expectations and the real person.

At the stage of acquaintance and further development of relationships at a distance, try to study the personality of a person from all possible sides. To do this, strike up such topics of conversation with him where you could get the most detailed opinion about his views on life.

Ask questions that will help you form an opinion about his worldview. Pay attention to his subjective assessment of this or that act or situation, told by him or you.

In order not to be disappointed in long-distance relationships, try not to trust too much the words of a person whom you have not seen before, and you do not know how this person really lives. This will protect you a little from the mental and other traumas that may arise in a relationship at a distance.

Long-distance relationships often test mutual expectations.

Here the foundation of future relationships is laid and the grinding of characters begins. The main goal of this stage of long-distance relationships is the coincidence of intimate instincts and the emergence of an emotional soul connection.

It’s good if at this stage of the relationship you can spend as much time together as possible. Then you will be able to fully recognize each other for real, and not on the basis of some invented images, and find out all intentions for the future. At this stage of a relationship at a distance, either the image of a joint happy future is laid, or it is not laid at all.

Difficulties at this stage of a long-distance relationship

In any relationship, 70 - 80% of the information people receive is not verbal, reading some information about a person from "body language", and not from words.

In a long-distance relationship, it turns out that you lose up to 80% of information about each other and “know” each other only 20%. Not recognizing each other because of the emotional closeness that can manifest itself when you meet. The reasons for such closeness may be an unsuccessful past experience in a relationship or if the invented image did not coincide with a real person.

Excessive expectations or mismatched expectations. An example of such beyond expectations can be your idea of the emergence of magical love at first sight, and proposals of the hand and heart, still not really understanding your feelings.

Even at this stage of a relationship at a distance, there is always a fear of uncertainty, when everything is fine now, but what will happen next when we part? After the first joint time together, relationships at a distance or developed and consolidated in a certain form, for example, a man goes to a woman once a month in her city, sometimes once every half a year.

Or the relationship at a distance did not work out due to psychological, sexual, emotional, cultural incompatibility, and a crisis in the relationship has already begun.

But it also happens that it is at this stage that the couple can get married. If the concept of a shared future appears and at first everything is really good, there is absolute fidelity, there is deep trust, there is an understanding of each other's emotional needs, love, care, tenderness and attention. But the couple continues to live in two cities and their meetings are rare.

During the first year of such relationships at a distance, love is supported by psychological inertia and the relationship is still very strong, but after a year in such relationships at a distance, internal conflict begins to grow.

Relations at a distance and the inevitable growth of internal conflict

Relationships at a distance are torn from within by the very nature of these relationships. With the decision on the joint geographic location both partners are addictive and as a result, the problematic nature of their relationship is growing and intensifying, internal discontent begins to accumulate in the couple.

The concept of a shared future begins to gradually undermine with time, weaken and collapse.

Some couples solve almost all problems by having sex. With long-distance relationships, this is simply impossible, so all mutual conflicts do not receive emotional release. The internal problematic nature of these relations is growing.

The main principles of any relationship, especially marital relationships, are value and community. In a relationship at a distance, the value of a loved one gradually begins to fade (after all, there are many others around you), and your once huge psychological community also begins to gradually weaken.

In long-distance relationships, there is often a lack of trust in a partner. This distrust is reinforced by mutual control and attempts to track the location of a loved one.

Cooling and crisis in long-distance relationships

A crisis in long-distance relations could arise both at the second and third stages of these relations. However, at the fourth stage, this crisis is almost inevitable, namely, in 95% of cases, a crisis occurs. The crisis builds up gradually over the course of three years of a long-distance relationship.

The quality of this crisis depends on the psychological literacy of a man and a woman, on the number of psychological mistakes made by both partners, and on the degree of sexual tension, which gradually increases in long-distance relationships.

Long distance relationship mistakes

Often, couples make typical mistakes at the crisis stage of a long-distance relationship. Instead of coming together to solve the problems that have arisen in the relationship, in order to be happier in the future, the most severe criticism of the personality of another person is turned on.

Both partners do not understand that it is not you personally and not the other person who are to blame in this situation, but the very logic of the development of relationships over distances, which leads most couples to just such a scenario.

Basically, it is not your individual actions or misconduct that are criticized, but your entire personality as a whole. The classic phrases “You have always been, are and will be like this” are heard, in addition to this, mutual absurd, delusional accusations are heard.

Of course, sexual infidelity is not accidental either. When meeting, partners do not feel a desire to hug each other, but an unnatural feeling of constraint, emotional instability, body language becomes “cold”, that is, closed poses appear.

Don't get too excited about the exclusivity of your long distance relationship. The vast majority of long-distance relationships, if a man and a woman do not come together and start living together within 2-3 years, are doomed to collapse.

Within three years of a relationship at a distance, an understanding of the wrongness of such a relationship comes, at least you understand that it cannot be like this all your life.

The very logic of relationships at a distance leads most couples to parting. Therefore, in order to keep relationships at a distance, it is necessary to make these relationships as short as possible.

You should try to save long-distance relationships in cases where your husband leaves for a short time on a business trip, for example. In order to keep your feelings when your relationship is at a distance for a while, communicate more often, share everything that happens in your life, and emotions too, be patient and tune in to the expectation.

It will help you in this mindset that your separation should only be useful for your relationship. But if you are already in a relationship at a distance, and both understand that you are made for each other, then do not waste time, start living together and be happy!

Business trips, internships at remote enterprises, training courses abroad, contract work in another city or even another country - all these are quite common realities.

Of course, this does not mean that going through separation will be easy and simple. You need to use a ready-made psychological strategy or develop your own so that parting for a while does not turn into permanent separation for you.

For honest love, even the smallest distance is too long,
but even the greatest distance is surmountable.
Hans Nouveau

Relationships at a distance: PLUSES and MINUSES

"Pity, you are not here!" - this phrase reflects the essence of relationships at a distance.

Being thousands of kilometers apart, people show boundless trust in a partner who they have never seen in reality, have great hope for a meeting, spend a lot of time talking on the phone and Skype, chatting in social networks.

Such relationships can last for several years, more and more assuring partners at a distance that their feelings are eternal.

In 10% of cases of love at a distance, lovers actually meet in reality, but only in 2% of cases they remain with each other for a more or less long time.

Why do people so stubbornly believe in love at a distance?

Relationships at a distance: a few pros

Love at a distance is a convenient thing. In order to print and send a couple of lines over the network to your soulmate, you do not need to carve out scarce free time;
no need to put yourself in order for hours - made in advance beautiful pictures replace both living partner;
expenses are minimal - for communication, because rarely anyone dares to send gifts to the other end of the world, and even more so money. In addition, you do not need to pay rent and public Utilities(most often, fans of love at a distance live with relatives);
fans of love at a distance are spared from the daily routine - it is thanks to this that their relationship lasts so long. Only romance, love and euphoria. No socks all over the apartment, taking out the brain and garbage, going to supermarkets.
On the Internet, people often dare to share very intimate things, this connects even more. At such large distances, the protective barrier - the boundary of personal space - does not work. If lovers at a distance say that they know each other better than anyone in the world, they are more likely to be right than wrong.
love at a distance is fanned by a special romance. Loving at a distance is fashionable. Not infrequently, partners remain partners only to spite all the skeptics, whose voices begin to sound in their heads when the relationship has lasted long enough.
The opportunity to send your soulmate a couple of stickers, beautiful pictures and sensual melodies more than compensates for the lack of gifts and meetings in a cafe. Oddly enough, people enjoy virtual signs of attention no less than real ones.

Relationships at a distance: a few "AGAINST"

Skeptics are right about long-distance love in many ways, for example:

Physical contact means a lot. And it just does not exist in long-distance relationships. It's not even so much about sex (although it is also about it). Without touch, body smell, the feeling that a loved one is near, love at a distance - a set of symbols, although with a very romantic meaning. Words do not warm like the warmth of a loved one.
The absence of this warmth often pushes lovers to cheat. And while their heart still belongs to a distant partner, it won't be for long. Soon physical affection will outweigh terabytes of love messages.
No matter how much a person tells about himself, he will never tell about his facial expressions, about his gestures, as well as about subconscious motives. He just doesn't know about it. And if he thinks he knows, then his information on this subject is incomplete at best.
In photographs and videos, people look different than in reality. Usually much better, precisely due to the fact that even the most modern cameras have a lower resolution than the human eye. The camera simply hides minor defects in appearance from lovers.
Peer pressure also plays a role. Only the strongest feelings and the most stubborn people are able to resist him. In the end, under the pressure of friends and relatives, lovers begin to suspect each other of betrayal or cooling of feelings.
The absence of a routine does a disservice to lovers. Spoiled by romance, they are completely unprepared for everyday difficulties. A banal difference in views on the order in the house can kill almost any love.

The lists of "FOR" and "AGAINST" relationships at a distance can be continued indefinitely. But the decisive word on the question of the existence of love at a distance still belongs to lovers - it is up to them to decide whether to refute all the arguments of skeptics or join the ranks of the army of those disappointed in love at a distance.

But everyone who dared to let such love into their hearts needs to be prepared for great difficulties and be able to maintain such relationships for a long time.

Anything can be a ritual, from cycling to grocery shopping. The main thing is that the time matches for you and for him, and so that you can later discuss whether you liked breakfast, how many kilometers you managed to cover while jogging, etc.

6. Don't try to control your partner's every move.

Firstly, it is unrealistic, and therefore does not make sense. Second, it's very annoying.

Sooner or later, the guy will have a thought: if she controls my every step for so many kilometers, what will happen when I return? Will he follow me like a ponytail? Track me down? Hire a detective? Do I need it?

7. Make good use of your time apart

No need from morning to evening to shed tears and feel sorry for your beloved. Do something that you haven't had time for in a long time. Read a book, sign up for a pool or a fitness center, learn how to cook deliciously, master oriental dances. Lots of options. After all, you have freed up a lot of time that you used to spend with your loved one. So put it to good use. Imagine surprising him with your toned figure or culinary talents when he returns.

8. Don't let your interest fade away

Men are known to love with their eyes. It’s not enough for them to just talk on the phone, especially when there are a lot of unfamiliar and, quite possibly, pretty girls around. Therefore, do not forget to send mms to the guy or post your photos on social networks, showing yourself from the best side - in beautiful outfits, with makeup, hair, etc.

Quite candid photos would be quite appropriate (if your relationship has already gone beyond the candy-bouquet period) in sexy lingerie or without it at all. Of course, such photos should be shown only in private communication. Skype video calls are another great opportunity to stir up interest in yourself.

There are many options for how to do this - it is worth showing imagination.

How to keep a long distance relationship with a girl

Not all guys know how to maintain a relationship at a distance with their beloved. Indeed, this difficult task, but if you really love your soul mate, then she will be on your shoulder. So, long distance relationships - how to save love?

1. Don't Forget Romance in Relationships

Daily calls are, of course, good. But they are not enough to save the relationship. Do romantic deeds - order flowers for delivery, pay for dinner for your loved one in your city, send a small gift by mail. It is better if it is unexpected - such a gift is doubly pleasant.

2. Use different ways to communicate

Email, video calls, even paper letters are all good additions to regular phone calls. Communication at a distance does not happen much, especially for a girl who now feels abandoned and alone. Don't let her be sad.

3. Come to each other

If you have the opportunity to visit a girl, be sure to use it. Of course, you can set the order of trips to each other, but other things being equal, it would be better if it was you who went on the road. Of course, there may be exceptions - for example, if you are on a business trip in Paris, and not in Magadan. Any girl will fly to the capital of France with pleasure, not really worrying about the difficulties of the journey.

4. Be patient

Girls are jealous, emotionally unstable, excitable, whiny. And all these traits can become aggravated in separation from a loved one, when there is no one to hug, reassure, pity. Take it easy. Now it is not easy for both of you, but it is you who are the strong half in your pair.

5. Do not shy away from discussing joint plans

Even if it seems ridiculous and inappropriate for you to discuss at the beginning of autumn where you will go on vacation next summer, do not deny your beloved the pleasure of dreaming. After all, this is the time when you will be together. If you are going to get married, then get ready for endless discussions of dress, costume, wedding ceremony and venue.

You can plan anything you want - even the joint purchase of an apartment and the number of children you want to have. Believe me, this is really important for your girl - general plans bring together, reduce the distance between you and help maintain relationships.

6. Take an interest in the life you love

You don’t need to get your girlfriend with constant questions about where she was, what she did, why she didn’t answer the call right away. But you should not be completely indifferent to her life - ask her about friends, old and new, events in life, say how much you love her and how you envy all those who are now next to her. Remember, women love with their ears.

7. Give gifts

You don't have to buy expensive jewelry. Although, if you have such a financial opportunity, you can stop at this option. But even cute trinkets, teddy bears, pendants will show your girlfriend that you do not forget about her, and will remind you of you during the hours of separation.

8. Be there

Even though you are separated by miles, your girlfriend should know that you can always be relied upon. If she ends up in the hospital or some other trouble happens to her, you must drop everything and immediately rush to the rescue. Perhaps she will understand if you fail to do this. But a crack in the relationship, as well as a hidden resentment, will appear. In addition to everything listed above, psychologists advise - treat separation as an opportunity to slowly think about your relationship.

At a distance, it usually becomes more obvious whether your feelings are as strong as you thought. Are you willing to wait to meet this person instead of starting a relationship with a new boyfriend or girlfriend? And if you are ready, then for what reason - because you cannot imagine a relationship with anyone else, or because you are afraid to start a new relationship, even if the existing ones do not suit you very much.

It has always been so that the depth of love is known only in the hour of separation.
Gibran Kahlil Gibran

Epilogue

Testing love by distance is not such a bad way to find out if you are really dating your soul mate, with whom it is worth creating and maintaining a relationship for many years.

Sometimes it is the miles that separate you that kindle feelings that were barely smoldering. Or vice versa, extinguish them. From this point of view, it is worth considering separation not as a punishment, but as a gift from heaven.

Bad reputation. I'm sure each of you will be able to remember a dozen such stories. And most certainly didn't end well. What else can long-distance relationships teach, besides the ability to live alone and fall asleep in a cold bed?

PHOTO Riccardo Tinelli

I'll start with myself. When I told my husband what I was writing about, he laughed nervously. We have been together for 9 years, of which 4.5 years we lived in different countries. First, our common Moscow, then my 3.5-year internship in England, then his work in Germany ... For the last year and a half we have been living together and almost never part. Finally, and hopefully forever. These were difficult years, but I am sure that it was they who helped two still very young people (we met at the age of 20) to maintain relationships at a distance, not to run away, not to break into life, which separated dozens of our familiar couples. Focusing on yourself, your studies, jobs and interests - was it hard? Yes. Have there been moments of despair? What more! However, it was a wonderful time in its own way, with random dates, unforeseen flights, letters, cards and packages, small-town meetings, and falling asleep in front of an open Skype window. It would be a shame to condemn this relationship simply because the circumstances were not in our favor and we could not live together.

Subsequently, while undergoing psychotherapy, I realized that it was thanks to this experience that my husband and I felt quite early that any relationship is a big job, and not just a boundless feeling. Long-distance relationships cannot be left to chance. Every day, both people need to put something into their relationship: finding the time to connect, finding the right words of encouragement, adjusting schedules and schedules. That is why psychologists believe that relationships that have passed the test of distance, most likely, will withstand any trouble.

3.7% of the Russian population are in a long-distance relationship, in the US the figure is higher - 4.3%

Where do legs grow from?

Researchers from the American Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (yes, imagine there is one!) Blame the economy and the Internet for the emergence of a huge number of separated lovers. The conclusion is, in general, obvious: the increasing mobility of the labor force does not have the best effect on the quality of personal life and makes a great contribution to the treasury of the long-distance relationship. Like numerous dating sites: every year, tens of thousands of people around the world find each other on the Internet, despite geography.

Students who for the sake of studying leave their first (or maybe second) great love and leave for other cities and countries are also at risk. The ease with which people move around the world and take on projects in different parts of the globe has led to the emergence of the phenomenon of distant marriage, or, as sociologists call it, the distant family. At the moment, in Russia, such families make up about 6% of the total number of married couples, and their number is only growing every year. The difference between such marriages and "traditional" ones is that the spouses do not live together (usually because of work), maintaining a tender romantic relationship and not intending to divorce.

Gossip and affection

A reasonable question: why do some couples can not stand separation, while others do not care? Is it possible to predict which couple will cope with long-distance relationships, and which will fall apart? According to psychologists Lee and Karol Pistol from the American University of Purdue, this is quite real. The fact is that our relationships with others are most influenced by the pattern of attachment that we formed in childhood, communicating with parents and family members.

People with the so-called secure attachment style are self-confident, they do not need confirmation of their own attractiveness and worth from other people, they are able to balance independence and closeness in relationships. Such people (I would even say, superhumans) are not afraid of loneliness, they are comfortable alone with themselves, and therefore their attitude towards a partner is unchanged, regardless of whether he is nearby or thousands of kilometers away.

If a person is characterized by an anxious or avoidant type of attachment, then far from loved ones it is terribly hard for him. Without constant approval and confirmation of love, such people wither and begin to go crazy. When a loved one is far away, "anxious" types head first into self-criticism, and then begin to look for flaws in a partner and relationships in general. They are as sensitive as possible to the difficulties that inevitably appear in a long-distance relationship, and the absence of a loved one for them is tantamount to losing themselves.

After conducting a study among 600 people who have had long-distance relationships, psychologists have calculated that those couples where at least one partner has a secure attachment hold the blow. But what if both of you are not yet wise enough and experienced enough to not worry and doubt at all? First of all, realize that from the moment you say goodbye at the airport and the silver-winged plane leaves only a shadow on the ground, you can no longer control anything. This is generally an addiction, for that matter, and in ordinary, traditional ways. But from a distance it is like death. Any attempt to control increases anxiety, excites an unhealthy fantasy, covers with a veil of doubts and fears. And as a result, you have less and less energy, time and attention for love - the only thing that helps to survive separation.

Your task is to establish a strong connection, and any doubt creates micro-breaks. How to avoid it? To be here and now, not in thoughts and dreams. Call each other, write to each other during the day (thankfully Viber, WhatsApp and iMessage allow you to do this for free), share everything that happens to you - both a chronicle of events and feelings. Also, gossip! Discussion of a third person, no matter how unethical it may sound, is very close. Calm your conscience: you are not hatching a malicious plan, but just sharpening your tongues. Psychological fact: sharing the latest gossip makes a relationship stronger. You seem to say to each other: “We are not like them” - and this acts as a sedative for the souls wounded by separation.

At first, it may seem to you that you have sacrificed yourself - to his studies or career. Or, on the contrary: that the victim is a beloved man, if you had to leave. Both are unconstructive and add unnecessary pathos to everyday conversations. You feel like a martyr, or, conversely, you struggle with guilt and, as a result, begin to talk exclusively about the sublime. Drop this silly business. Sharing feelings, cute little things, witty observations and sexy selfies - all this is the best way to support the fire of love and passion.

scent lost

Do you know what advice (after the standard “call up several times a day”) is most often given to beginners by experienced “remote people”? Leave things with each other so that they remind your loved ones of you. It is desirable that these things smell like you, your favorite scent. This little trick is not just a tribute to cute everyday tenderness. This behavior will approve of your body. Smell plays an important role in the formation of intimacy - not only sexual (oh, what a pity that the aroma is still impossible to transfer via Skype! ..), but also emotional. Having met after a long separation, you understand that you have a loved one in front of you, the meeting with whom you have been waiting for. But the body falls into a stupor and flatly refuses to recognize the wanderer: everything in it seems unusual and alien. As a result, instead of the expected hot sex, you internally cringe at every touch.

That is why psychologists recommend a good “sniff” to help a forgetful body recognize a loved one. The longer you haven't seen each other, the higher the chances that the "sclerosis" has gone too far. It is better to see each other every month on the weekend than to spend two weeks together every six months. Breaks longer than a month and a half make the "disease" progress rapidly.

160 km must separate lovers so that their relationship is recognized as distant

deep connection

TV producer Lesya is 29 years old, she lives in Italy, and her husband has been working in San Francisco for a year. “I’m terribly depressed by the lack of a daily routine,” says a friend, “some kind of boring regularity, scattered socks and uncovered toothpaste in the bathroom (I would never have thought that I would miss all this so much!). When I get sick, there is no one to call a doctor or cook soup. Or, it happens that a loved one has a hard day, and I can’t hug him. But I see how we differ for the better from those couples who spend all the time together. My husband and I chat for hours on Skype, share everything we have experienced with each other and quarrel less. To be honest, sometimes it seems to me that due to the distance we have become closer.

Absurd at first glance, Lesya's statement is confirmed by scientists at Cornell University. This year, they conducted a study and concluded that deep affection and a long-distance relationship go hand in hand. The fact is that distant couples value every minute of live communication more and are more willing to devote each other to the smallest aspects of daily life, which is often neglected by those who live under the same roof.

Must be clearly marked. A year, two, three, but at least ten - most importantly, a certain date, which you both focus on. Having a clear goal ahead, it is much easier to calculate forces. And there is something to answer curious friends and relatives. This is a well-known psychological trick: when people realize that they need to endure pain for exactly five minutes, they don’t hurt so much.

Set a deadline and don't forget about it. Make plans, do not hush up grievances and remember that there are no guarantees. Long distance relationships may or may not work. But they should definitely be given a chance.

The cleverest

Psychologists believe that educated people are more likely to keep love at a distance. The higher the IQ, the stronger man prone to reasoning and analytics and less likely to give in to emotions. This allows people with education to see the future in "remote" relationships.

Ocean is shaking

Traditionally, the number of long-distance romances increases after the summer holidays. Holiday romances develop into something more, but, alas, by November their number is reduced by at least a quarter.