People really get to know each other only after they start living together. Before the wedding - dreams, after the wedding - disappointments. It was believed that the holidays of meetings would turn into a continuous holiday. It was believed that after the wedding everything would be better, and love would be stronger. They got married, but the problems remained. And new ones were added: what to live on, how to get along ...

Before marriage, the man provided meetings, and now it is necessary to provide for the family.

The girl from the princess turned into a servant. Fans, dates, flowers, dances and other attributes of a beautiful free life are replaced by family worries, heavy bags, dirty pots, and then wet diapers are on the way ... The honeymoon is over - they overeat with love, caressed, talked too much, tired, eyes no longer burn . Before the wedding, feelings were warmed up by parting, and now they are together every day.

The biggest test in marriage is everyday life, routine, weakening the ability to perceive each other with the same excitement. Emotional satiety may set in and deep indifference ensues. No conditions, no efforts with constant communication of partners can keep feelings at the same high level that was typical for the beginning of a relationship. After an emotional upsurge, a downturn will certainly follow.

The psychological attitude of the partners plays an important role in the preservation of the marriage. Pessimists and optimists perceive periods of predominance of certain emotions differently. Optimists pay more attention to periods favorable for relationships, characterized by the comfort of relationships, high spirits, and interaction. Noticing some alienation between themselves and their partner, they calmly expect favorable period(“After the clouds there will be sun”). Pessimists cannot forget about past conflicts, which increases the already increased internal tension, which often intensifies so much that they begin to associate the very concept of happiness primarily with the absence of problems, calmness, stability, and not with passion, joy, delight. All this cannot but leave a peculiar imprint on their love.

With age, attitudes towards love change. Other values ​​come to the fore, pushing love aside. Stereotypes also play their role: it is believed that love is for the young.

From the very beginning of the family in its modern, monogamous version, family life has not been something cloudless. Pushkin had every reason to declare that misfortune family life there is a "distinctive feature in the manners of the Russian people." The Yugoslav writer Branislav Nusic wrote that marriage is an interesting story, sometimes a romance, with an exceptionally good beginning, like a lyric poem, but often with poor content and even more often with an unexpected end.

Of course, love is one of the most difficult phenomena. Relationships between lovers include a great many individual, unique characteristics and traits. And this individual, unique often turns out to be more significant, significant than the general.

Psychological compatibility- this is the compatibility of temperaments, characters, emotional and volitional characteristics of people. One person, for example, can be very emotionally dependent, constantly in need of support, approval, and therefore it is difficult to endure loneliness. Another is prone to solitude, constantly experiencing tension in the company of other people. One has hypertrophy of the "super-ego", he is clamped, the other is relaxed and easily relates to life. There are people who are cheerful, easily tuned in to someone else's wave (synthonic), "easy to communicate", there are fixated on themselves and hardly feel the mood of others.

Some tend to lead, suppress and subjugate others, reshaping them to their liking, others prefer to adapt and be led. Some can easily quarrel and just as easily forget about the quarrel, others experience every little thing deeply and for a long time, accumulate grievances and keep them until the end of their lives, suffer forever.

One person is constantly looking for strong impressions, impulsive, easily converges with other people and just as easily parted, cheerful and cheerful, loves noise and company, the other is restrained, indecisive, prone to introspection and keeps feelings under control, although he experiences them much more strongly. And the nature of their communication, their relationship largely depends on how harmoniously these or those psychological characteristics of lovers or spouses are combined.

As an old short story says, "marriage is nothing but the grave of romantic love." Thousands of novels, plays and films about lovers end with a touching kiss accompanied by cries of "Bitter!" followed (or only implied) by the statement: "They lived happily ever after and died on the same day." But how exactly they "lived happily" - fairy tales, novels and films are silent about this.

It makes no sense to prove that marriage is the work of two adults, each of whom has his own idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhappiness. However, many marriages fail because one or both partners, despite their "adult" age, emotionally still remain children. Where does love begin? From a happy magical meeting followed by an equally happy marriage? No, love, as a rule, begins much earlier - with the first romantic dreams. How many girls dream that one day the door will open, He will enter, destined by fate, handsome and noble, without delay falling at her feet and in a voice breaking with excitement will say: “You were waiting for me, my love! I came!"

Years, however, go by, the girl grows up, turns into a girl, but there is no prince. Romantic dreams do not dissipate, they only go into the depths, hiding there, and if a girl meets someone who even remotely reminds her of an old romantic image, she is ready to say to herself: “He has come! I woke up to real life."

This is, so to speak, one of the types of modern "sleeping beauty". The romantic idea of ​​an ideal husband does not leave many married women. They compare their partner with the husbands of their friends, and it always turns out that the husbands of their friends are at least a bit better than their own. And then they begin to torment themselves with questions: why am I so unlucky? Why do other husbands like husbands, but I don’t have a husband, but a complete misunderstanding?

What, then, makes a girl marry not a “prince”, but a simple man whom she still loves? Most often - a secret belief: wait, dear, here you will become my husband, quickly get rid of all your stupid habits! And indeed, as soon as she gets married, the young wife, rolling up her sleeves, begins to beat all his “stupid habits” out of her husband: from now on, he must forget all his friends and stay at home, there is only what is served on the table, and if you don’t like it, let him cook himself, throw his ridiculous jacket in the trash, and so on, and so on, and so on.

At the same time, a woman who does this considers herself a "good fairy" who acts only for her husband's benefit!

The whole focus of family life is that it can only reveal the qualities inherent in partners, and not radically change them or give rise to new ones. First of all, learn to respect the personality in another person and quickly get rid of the rose-colored glasses that you did not part with before the wedding.

As one American psychologist wrote: “The success of a woman in marriage is based much more on her own ability to be a suitable partner than on finding a suitable partner.” Meanwhile, many mistakes stem from a woman's underestimation of her purpose in life, which is why she is in a hurry to blame her partner for her failures.

The success of family life is decided not by the "remaking" of a partner in our own image and likeness, but by the degree of our adaptability and indulgence, the ability to "get used" to the thoughts and feelings of a partner, the ability to communicate and forgive. If from the very first days of married life we ​​consciously cultivate these qualities in ourselves, they will subsequently reliably protect us from all adversity.

Before marriage, each of the partners lived their own lives. They met, spent a lot of time together, their feeling developed and grew stronger, but at the same time each tried to look in the eyes of the other a little better than he really was. After the wedding, the need for this "little bit" disappeared, and people appeared before each other without embellishment, with all their advantages and disadvantages.

Anyone who sees in marriage an opportunity to dictate his will, as a rule, always loses and pays with his own peace of mind.

Self-loving and selfish natures primarily care about their rights, but since this is what their attention is focused on, it always seems to them that someone is encroaching on these rights. Such obsessions, which have nothing to do with the real state of affairs in the family, cause protracted conflicts both with others and with oneself.

Until recently, psychotherapists believed that the spouse who is dependent on the partner, whether material or emotional, is more susceptible to neuroses. Research, however, has shown that this is not the case.

A woman who brings up children, and also works, is so drawn into the orbit of a wide variety of interpersonal relationships that she literally forgets about herself. Living for others, she kind of opens the shell of her “I” and thanks to this she gains mental balance and immunity against neuroses. And on the contrary, a man who considers himself an indisputable authority, a person whom everyone should please, is affirmed in his conceit, and in fact is tightly locked in his shell. This makes him easily vulnerable.

A man who is late or delayed in emotional development remains infantile and dependent in relations with women for a long time. Women attract him only as long as they take care of him and protect him from adverse external influences. As soon as this concern decreases (in connection with the birth of a child, for example, which absorbs all the attention of the mother), such a man begins to be hostile to his wife and eventually leaves her. In a new acquaintance, he again seeks the same care for himself, again strives to be protected - and history repeats itself.

An American specialist in the psychology of family relations, Carl Whitaker, believes that divorce is generally pointless. You just need (although this is not at all easy) to adjust relationships all the time, get them out of dead ends, direct the energy of conflicts to the personal growth of both partners, and not to mutual accusations and divorce. Otherwise, all the energy of the relationship, the experience developed in them, all the wisdom goes to ultimately blaming each other, shifting the blame and responsibility onto the other. And then people come out of marriage absolutely poor in the spiritual sense. They are eternal and not very happy spectators, doomed to the fact that they will not understand the next performance.

Andersen has a fairy tale: the husband went to the market to exchange an old horse for something more useful in the household. But this man was a terrible klutz. And he first exchanged a horse for a cow, a cow for a goat, a goat for a goose, remembering that his wife had long dreamed of cooking a roast goose for dinner. But he could not resist and replaced the goose with a bag of rotten apples. Do you think his wife attacked him with abuse? No, she praised him, rejoiced at the apples and even found some use for them (maybe she made apple cider vinegar).

Probably, women ensure the stability of relationships, men - their variability, and only together they make it possible to consolidate the new and update the old - the development of relationships, their longevity.

Any person is characterized by the desire to be alone for some time - in a calm atmosphere to think about something, remember something, analyze - just like an innate need to sometimes change the situation. In addition to the spouse and the interests of the family, we have friends, we have our own interests. This is normal and natural. Marriage does not mean the end of your personal development, and in order to develop, we need personal time and space.

Advice for women

American psychologist Jen King advises women: if your husband wants to play poker with friends once or twice a week, understand his desire to relax. Do not create a situation in which he will have to choose between friends and you. Take advantage of a free evening as an opportunity to read, get a manicure, take a luxurious bath, or watch your favorite movie that he doesn't like anyway. This is what a calm and confident woman does. She also knows that when her husband comes home and meets with a warm, joyful welcome, and not reproaches and whimpering, he will be immensely happy. Perhaps later he will even give up poker in order to spend the evening with you. This is a real achievement. Psychology teaches us that human relationships in development are a process of connections, breaks, and new connections. You get together with someone, then disperse, get back together and part again. And again close and open the chain. There is no other way if you want your closeness to someone to have prospects. Of course, many of us would like to never part with those we love. Or at least break up only when we ourselves want it. Thank God this is not possible. Separations, although not too long, invade the life of every couple, and this should be taken for granted.

Ebb and flow, or stages of family life

…What's happened? Until recently, he was gentle and affectionate, brought flowers, gave cute trinkets. And now he is cold and indifferent, and sometimes even rude in his fairly clear desire to move away, to get away from communication. And the farther, the more often you notice in his eyes what will soon be said out loud: “Leave me alone!”.

Familiar? Most likely, it is familiar, because everyone can admit that there are ups and downs in his relations with other family members. But not everyone knows that the apparent deterioration of family relations is nothing more than a manifestation of the so-called law of rhythm: positive and negative emotions change each other. And the cooling you observe, and the violation of relations that follows it, are even natural!

Even in the most happy families relations of spouses periodically - we emphasize: periodically! - can go through five stages identified by the sociologist Zatsepin.

The first is characterized by deep, passionate love, when the other partner occupies, if not all, then at least a significant part of your attention, and even one memory of him causes positive emotions (you probably know how it happens - it's just nice to remember that he is ).

The second stage is characterized by some cooling. The image of a partner less and less often pops up in memory in his absence and does not always cause positive emotions, although communication “live” usually cheers up.

At the third stage, there is a further cooling of relations. With the arrival of a partner, the mood does not rise - some attention is needed on his part; Getting used to, constant communication gives rise to the appearance of monotony. And it is not so easy to destroy this appearance with surprises and caresses - after all, they also get used to them. It would be worthwhile in such a situation to drastically reduce the intensity of communication, to the maximum - to go somewhere, so that your image in your absence will sparkle for your partner with new colors, so that he realizes how much you mean to him. So that later you receive a telegram "I love you, come!". Alas, this is hardly feasible.

Not everyone can afford to refresh the relationship with separation. And then the only thing that can be advised is not to increase (although you want to!), but reduce the intensity of your family communication. But never give up completely! And try to change something in your relationship - their style, character, etc. (of course, for the better!). Try to change a little yourself - however, not so much to change as to open up some new facets. Change something about your appearance. Open the family outside - go, go somewhere, invite guests. Be unobtrusive, tolerant, indulgent and reasonably demanding. And then your relationship can return to the first stage again. If not, then most likely they will enter the fourth stage.

At this stage, the presence of another causes unconscious irritation, they begin to see in him not advantages, but shortcomings. A negative attitude is formed; cavils and criticisms appear, any act is considered as a misconduct, and in the current and past behavior of a partner they are looking for (and finding!) Malicious intent ...

And then comes the fifth stage, at which the negative attitude almost completely takes possession of the person. Forgotten all the advantages of a partner. He pulls and leaves, and vice versa - to run to him in order to express everything that has boiled over, and even prick more painfully. In a word, the whole essence of this stage is expressed by the phrases: “I discovered my true face!”, “Where were my eyes when I married you!”.

Here it is really necessary, firstly, separation - no, not a trip, and even more so not a divorce, just an intensive rest from each other, after which relations in most cases will be restored again. And secondly, restraint, so as not to break firewood.

The art of being a spouse mainly consists of the ability to psychologically competently build your daily relationships and communication, painlessly get out of conflicts. This art is also made up of self-control skills, because our moods and emotions often become the cause of crisis moments in marriage (mainly, because it is also necessary to maintain marital feelings and the ability to have harmonious intimate relationships).

There are so many moments in life when it is important for a person to know that an atmosphere of safety, comfort and confidence awaits him at home, when he wants to know that his spouse accepts him with all his weaknesses, that you can be yourself in front of your spouse, and this will not affect you in any way. relationships. A person needs to realize that he has somewhere to go with his problems, the burden of which is too heavy for him alone, that he can come to a friend who will be understanding and ready to help, because he knows and loves him as the only one in the whole world and loves the way he is.

Communication in the family

Communication underlies the implementation of one of the most important functions of the family - the realization of a person's need for acceptance, protection and personal comfort. It is communication that makes it possible to manifest one of the most important marital roles - psychotherapeutic. In order for intra-family communication to be successful, it must meet a number of requirements. The American psychologist Watzlawick formulates the following conditions for the success of intra-family communication of spouses:

1) openness, that is, the absence of anything that the spouses, for some fundamental reasons, hide from each other;

2) confirmation of each other's self-assessments during communication, that is, communication in the family should contribute to the formation of a more positive self-image in each of the partners;

3) constant intensive discussion with each other about what everyone thinks and feels;

4) the adequacy of the situation, which means that marital communication should have many different forms, but how the spouses will communicate at the moment should be determined by the specific situation.

But these characteristics are far from exhaustive, because the interpersonal communication of spouses is a complex and ambiguous process.

Let's dwell briefly on it the most important features and components. First of all, it should be noted that communication in the family proceeds according to certain rules, which are quite specific and are usually not recognized by the spouses, at least not completely. They determine what the partners talk about with each other, what topics are taboo, who is the first to turn to the other, who asks more often, and who orders, and so on. These features of interpersonal communication are usually formed in the first year of the joint life of the spouses and in the future are difficult to change and correct. (According to some reports, the style of communication of spouses with each other in a pair is a characteristic even more stable than the individual style of communication of each of them.)

The more often successful interpersonal communication between spouses, the better their interpersonal relationships in general. This means that happy couples talk quite often and evaluate the conversations as “truly sincere”, trusting, which for them is a clear evidence of their unity and mutual understanding.

In successful marriages, through interpersonal communication, spouses constantly confirm their similarity in the perception of marital roles, as well as the positions they occupy in the family as a whole, and the functions and responsibilities that each of them performs daily.

The most important characteristic of a successful marital relationship is the deep understanding between the spouses. This means that the partner accepts and does not condemn the views and behavior of the other, even if it does not fully correspond to his own, he does not need to explain something in himself to the other or justify himself.

Communication between spouses is the more successful, the more mutual empathy they show in it. Undoubtedly, without empathy, sympathy, complicity, successful interpersonal communication between spouses is impossible.

Of course, these parameters cannot be called equivalent. Some of them characterize the features of the very process of successful communication: mutual understanding, trust, etc. Others describe what should appear in the course of this successful communication: empathy, similarity, and so on. But it is difficult to draw a clear line between them, especially since in real situations almost all of these parameters appear simultaneously.

In the truest sense, the art of love lies in the ability to give joy.

And this is no coincidence. The psychological laws of reinforcement are quite applicable to love, according to which an action that is not positively reinforced in an emotional sense is forced out of the behavioral repertoire. And from this it follows that, firstly, the preservation of love is unthinkable without actions in which it would be manifested (of course, so that it could be seen by another). Secondly, all these actions should be noticed in time by those to whom they are directed, and, accordingly, positively evaluated.

It has been established that in most cases the cause of psychological disorders in family life, violations of the harmony of intimate relationships was the usual violation of interpersonal (not only sexual!) communication. Most often, the emotional distance of communication chosen by one of the partners did not correspond to the distance that the other partner needed to feel psychological comfort. Moreover, the need for close emotional distance is higher in women.

It should be borne in mind that psychologically female sexuality is more emotionally expressive compared to the subject-instrumental, so to speak, style of a man. Women value the emotional side of relationships more and need more to feel loved, one and only.

Helpful Hints gives husbands in his "New Book on Marriage" R. Neubert. In his opinion, most women “love with their ears,” and therefore the spouse should not be shy about repeating to his wife several times a day that she is the sweetest, most charming, most beautiful. Women will gladly listen to this, even knowing that these words should not be taken too seriously. Even if the wife is a prosecutor, writes Neubert, even then she will hear with deep satisfaction six times a day that she is "the best." You just need to periodically change the form of compliments: for example, "Didn't I tell you today that you look wonderful?". She, of course, will say no, even if she heard it only fifteen minutes ago, he needs to immediately correct his omission.

The art of another seducer lies precisely in knowing this weakness of women and the ability to use it. At the same time, writes Neubert, a woman can perfectly understand that this man is a flatterer, a rhetorician, that he himself does not believe what he says, but ... Women love with their ears.

Alienation - the beginning of the crisis

When entering into marriage, people usually believe that their relationship will be built on mutual trust. We tell a loved one about everything, we confess our insults and sorrows to him, we share our joys with him. Naturally, with such closeness, not only physical betrayal is perceived as a violation of the obligations assumed.

A family secret retold to someone, the use of knowledge of the spouse's hidden weaknesses, ridicule are experienced no less hard than betrayal, and maybe even harder. Each such case lays like a stone in the foundation of future alienation.

It is in alienation that the cause of most adultery lies. People may continue to live together, but in reality they have already separated and alone are experiencing important events for themselves. Naturally, such a state of "internal divorce" does not arise suddenly. Gradually, many begin to look at a life partner as a familiar piece of furniture. It seems that they already know him so well that there is no need to try anymore, that you can do without gentle words and gestures, that you don’t have to worry about every day going well, so that physical intimacy is accompanied by love ... This process goes unnoticed, and only a catastrophe reveals the depth of the resulting mutual alienation.

Unfortunately, many marriages that are considered prosperous, in fact, are not so, having turned into a monotonous coexistence. Women tend to blame their husbands for this. Yes, he takes care of the house, loves children, but he seems to have forgotten that his wife is still a woman. He does not show interest in her ... The wife is convinced that her husband sees in her only attendants. Dissatisfaction with such a life gives rise to disappointment, leads to nervous breakdowns ... or to another man.

But often the woman is to blame for this herself. For outsiders, she is carefully dressed, tinted, lively. For relatives, for her husband - she is tired, irritated, in a worn dressing gown. It happens that a woman herself forgets that she is a woman. When her husband invites her to go somewhere, she refuses - after all, there are so many things to do at home. In such a marriage, a man lives with a tired housewife who knows nothing but the hard labor to which she has sentenced herself. And for sure she quietly hates this work, and begins to quietly hate her husband.

Love and hate generally live in close proximity: loving something, in our opinion, good, we are imbued with hatred for everything that prevents this good from being the best (indeed, the best is the enemy of the good). It seems that Bernard Shaw said: “My wife is a wonderful, wonderful woman, a very good person. And she would be the perfect wife if she didn't constantly try to make an angel out of me."

Another writer, André Maurois, in his Letters to a Stranger, advises women seeking to re-educate their spouses, remake them in their own way, soften their efforts (and the torment of their husbands) with praise, just as a sculptor wets the clay before it compacts under him. fingers. This is necessary because, he says, a man seeks in love, in his family, in his "cave" trust and refuge. But with constant criticism (especially harsh), his abode becomes full of threats and restrictions for him, and he will be forced to - at home! - defend. “At first, if he is very in love, he will endure it, try to improve, then, inevitably returning to his true nature, he will curse his mentor. His love will waver and fade away, he will begin to hate a woman who, perhaps, has taken away his most precious asset - faith in himself. Thus, through the fault of too inexperienced women, secret bitterness arises in the family.

One thirty-year-old man spent a year counting the reproaches he heard from his wife. It turned out 1100 reproaches. Approximately three rebukes a day. Their content was quite varied: “You didn’t go like that, you came in the wrong way, you didn’t dress like that, you didn’t shave like that, you don’t earn money like that.” Interestingly, the wife repeatedly contradicted herself. For her, the main thing was not that her husband learned to tightly close the tube of toothpaste or put out the light in the bathroom - the process of nitpicking was important to her.

The institution of the family has one drawback: even a bad family remains a family.

The family is by no means a safe for storing love, not a nest for endless gentle cooing. Family relationships very often, too often, kill love, and, characteristically, this is often done in the name of love, for the sake of love. I saw a comic in a French magazine: in the first picture, the wife approaches her husband, who is sitting in an armchair and reading a newspaper. On the second - she overturns the chair and her husband flies to the floor. On the third - she kicks him in the jaw, on the fourth - with a run-up hits his head in his stomach, on the fifth - hits him on the head with a mop, on the sixth - hits on the back, on the seventh picture the husband is crawling on the floor with a rag in his hands, and the wife is standing nearby and manages the work, on the eighth - he goes to work with a briefcase. In the ninth drawing, the wife leans out the door and yells after him: "You could kiss me goodbye!"

It doesn't matter if the characters could be reversed, the possessive logic remains the same: the possessive partner, the dictator partner is firmly convinced that his half is obliged to love him, be faithful and consider himself blessed.

The inability to “grind” characters, to yield in small things, to put up with certain manners and habits of a partner, the inability to reasonably build a family budget, and so on - all this accumulates, sometimes slowly, but always inevitably, a load of disappointment, irritation, fatigue that kill love, tenderness, admiration for each other. And without love, a family can turn into a burden, into chains that encourage you to get rid of them, correct your “mistake”, look for another way to organize your personal life. As a rule, by this moment the family already has a child (or even more than one), love for him and a sense of duty become an insurmountable wall on the way to divorce.

And where is the guarantee that everything will not happen again in a new family?

So the spouses have no choice. There is only one real way out of all the impasses of family life - to try to be able to save love. We need conscious, purposeful efforts, special measures, we need a special methodology, we need tactics and a strategy for family life.

Tactics and strategy of married life

American satirist Ambrose Bierce defined family relationships as "a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves." Married people live in institutionalized relationships of intimacy, and the strongest feelings that drive these people are love and hate. Anger and hatred are usually considered to be the opposite of love. Psychologist Everett Shostrom considers this opposition absurd and proves that conflicts between spouses are not only inevitable, but also necessary. Let's try to figure it out.

In family relationships, the problem of aggression is one of the most important. There are several reasons for the aggression.

Hostility. It is negative and destructive. This is not even a feeling, but an attitude, and it separates. In marriage, hostility is expressed in sidelong glances, deliberate silence and sarcasm.

Anger. A very valuable feeling, according to Shostrom, and a great way to create contact. Anger is akin to a feeling of sympathy, because it is mixed with concern. Anger does not destroy relationships, on the contrary, it overturns the barriers that prevent people from contacting each other. To be angry from time to time is to love and crave contact. Without anger, love stagnates and contact is lost.

Guilt. This is a negative feeling, at first glance, directed at oneself. Is not it? Ninety percent guilt is for real covert hostility to others. Few people can accept responsibility for any undesirable consequences. The subtext is very often the exact opposite: "I shouldn't have done this" is translated as "You shouldn't have allowed me to do (did)".

Since there is usually a lot of hostility and hypocrisy in guilt feelings, it can be said that admitting one's guilt is a covert attempt to criticize others. Among other things, the expression of guilt directs hostility inward, and therefore destroys the personality.

Resentment. Ninety percent resentment is revenge in disguise. When they say: "I'm so offended!", As a rule, they feel a desire to take revenge. Family relationships without mutual resentment are almost impossible. Moreover, resentment is a necessary component of a healthy relationship. You just need to understand once and for all: in a family conflict, it is not at all necessary to win.

Then the conflict can become fertile soil, on which the correct solution can grow.

When pain and resentment are sufficiently expressed and deeply felt, a person has every opportunity for growth. Marriage is not and should not be a society of people defending themselves from each other. And spouses have every moral right to hurt each other from time to time. It is only important to understand that our attacks provoke a response, and attacks in married life, as a rule, come from the fact that our partner is offended.

Hatred. This is frozen hostility. To hate is to bind one's own energy. This is very wasteful in relation to their internal resources. In order not to be self-destructive with hatred, it must be turned into contact-friendly anger. If If this is not done, nervous breakdowns will not be long in coming.

criticality. This is a clear negativity, which can be expressed with feeling, or maybe without feeling, unemotional, dull. Being critical is often cowardly because it doesn't always release emotions. Criticism, which is allowed to pour out with feeling, contributes to the creation of contact. Criticism without feeling comes down to mere slander. Behind the habitual grumbling of a wife, it is sometimes difficult to discern the cause of her anxiety. In essence, criticality is a substitution of emotion. It can be avoided again by giving vent to anger.

Care. You can interrupt contact either physically (leave), or offended (pout), or silence. But running away from the conflict never solves the problem - both sides feel incomplete, and such a conflict can smolder for a very long time. Sometimes for years.

Indifference. The absence of any kind of feeling (and this is what we call indifference) clearly indicates a lack of care and is detrimental to family relationships. Indifference kills a marriage. While the spouses were dominated by hostility, hatred, anger, their relationship was still alive. When indifference set in, the marriage died.

healthy conflict

The conflict arises from the difference in the needs and goals of different people who interact. In order to avoid conflict situations, you need to be like two drops of water to be similar to each other. Even Siamese twins are in conflict, let alone spouses! So let's agree that conflict in human relations is inevitable. Moreover, it is necessary. The struggle of spouses in a creative conflict almost always leads to creative solutions.

Healthy family relationships are those in which creative struggle and conflict are present more often than not. Living, working relationships necessarily lead to conflict, and therefore to growth. Love does not mean the absence of struggle. Those who love each other need to fight from time to time, otherwise they will start to choke. However, most people believe that in a marital relationship, they should be rational, logical, and avoid showing strong feelings. They try to convince each other that they are right with the help of facts, arguments, examples, and not with the help of feelings.

In fact, the fear that prevents us from getting angry or crying is the fear of being hurt, or even the fear of being abandoned. People are so afraid of this that they can endlessly deny their natural hostile feelings. As a result, they are unable to rise above petty nit-picking on petty occasions, and this inevitably leads to neuroses. Do not be afraid of strong feelings - treat them as the norm of married life!

Learn to express yourself, your feelings. And remember - the goal of the dispute should not be to win. The purpose of the dispute is to express one's "I".

Five rules of argument

1. In a dispute, try to side with your partner and "anticipate" his next remark. Say, “I understand that you…” followed by his intended point of view and your objections. Then the emotional swing of your partner will change dramatically, and he will stop clinging to his point of view, will stop considering it the only possible one.

2. Take the other's ideas seriously. Remember that this is a great opportunity to expand your knowledge or replace dilapidated installations.

3. Appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. Respect his tastes and interests. Remember that your differences are your strength, because they are the best growth stimulus for both of you.

4. Continue the conversation until everyone (everyone!) feels better. Any conflict is caused by internal tension, and the main goal is to let the feelings be released, even if it is accompanied by screams, squeals, tears. “When dirty water spills out, there is room for clean and fresh water.”

5. Always leave enough time for family conversation. You must speak up and let the other person speak. Otherwise, an unpleasant aftertaste will remain on the soul, and this is like a tumor that was not completely removed, leaving a small piece to rot in the body. An argument brought to an end is the best cure for insomnia.

All this is so obvious, it suggests itself. We just need to believe that our feelings are natural and worthy of expression.

Respect for your spouse's justified indignation, for his right to express that indignation even if you disagree with his arguments, is the foundation of a healthy marriage.

Shostrom concludes his "applied conflictology" with two lists.

Destructive fighting styles

1. Premature apologies.

2. Refusing to take the fight seriously.

3. Flight, avoidance of face-to-face confrontation, attempts to get out of the situation, for example, go to bed or remain silent in response to reproaches or complaints.

4. Hitting below the belt (use of intimate knowledge about a partner).

5. Chain reaction: “mixing in” irrelevant matters in order to stage an attack.

6. The choice of pseudo-accommodative tactics: pretend to agree with the point of view of a partner for the sake of a short-term peace, and for the sake of this drive deep doubts, resentment, and the like.

7. An indirect attack, for example, on someone or something that is dear to a partner - a ricochet hit.

8. Hypocrisy - making promises but making no attempt to keep them.

9. An attempt to explain the origin of the partner's feelings.

10. Demanding more than a partner can give.

11. Undermining, that is, the intentional creation of a partner's feelings of emotional insecurity, concern or anxiety.

12. Betrayal. In a difficult situation for a partner, not only do not take his side, but also join the attacks on him.

Constructive fighting styles

1. Plan the fight for a specially allocated time so as not to draw innocent people into the fight.

2. Strive to fully express your feelings - both positive and negative. Do not leave anything for the soul, "for later."

3. Repeat each argument of your spouse in your own words in order to be imbued with his problems yourself and so that he hears his claims from the outside.

4. Clearly define the subject of the struggle.

5. Try to immediately determine where your points of view differ and where they coincide.

6. Try to determine how deeply each of you felt your “fight” in the struggle. This will help you understand how much you can give up.

7. Be extremely correct when criticizing your partner, and be sure to supplement your criticism with constructive suggestions for improving your partner and yourself.

8. Determine how each of you can help the other with a problem.

9. Try to evaluate the struggle by comparing the new knowledge you learned from it to the wounds it inflicted on you. The winner, of course, is the one whose loss is significantly less than new knowledge.

10. Be sure to announce breaks in the fight and fill them with something very pleasant for yourself. Warm body contact, good sex, and so on will do.

11. Always be ready for a new stage of struggle - intimate struggle is more or less continuous. It is paradoxical, but true - if it is expected and treated as the norm, this struggle proceeds faster, more mildly, with fewer victims and with the acquisition of new knowledge.

Family in a standardized world

The German physician and sociologist Joachim Bodamer, having collected and summarized a huge amount of material, created in his book “Modern Man. His appearance and psychology "- a portrait of the average representative of the stronger sex of the "technical era".

The modern man thinks like a technocrat. He is willing to take responsibility for the organization and success of production, but he is afraid of responsibility for another person. His desire to evade the duty of a father and mentor is rooted primarily in the fact that a child is a living being, whose reactions are sometimes impossible to foresee. A modern man is rarely capable of friendship, limited only to friendly relations. He does not feel any responsibility for the state of mind of a woman who has given herself to him - a woman for whom, first of all, his masculinity is important.

Never before has a man been more inventive, more energetic in obtaining material wealth, never before has his technical audacity manifested itself so effectively, and yet a woman more and more often responds to this technical feat with one phrase: "There are no more real men ..."

Traditional male virtues - such as a sense of honor, nobility, generosity and decency, have become optional for a modern man.

Techno-consciousness has made a modern man incapable of experiencing spiritual and emotional attachment to a woman.

In our time, more and more people are beginning to look at love "soberly", "without sentimentality", biologicalizing love to the utmost. It turns out simply and convincingly, like Ilf and Petrov: “The bull lows with passion. The rooster does not find a place for itself. The marshal of the nobility loses his appetite ... "Before the powerful instinct of procreation, everyone is equal, and love is a temporary clouding of reason on the basis of sexual dissatisfaction. Such a softening of the brain. And all the talk about the exclusivity of the chosen one, about the impossibility of living without him - things are purely hormonal.

If Romeo and Juliet were married, Juliet would probably very soon turn into an ordinary, not very smart, grumpy wife, overeat with sweets, harass the maids with nagging, gossip with neighbors ... And Romeo might decide that he mistakenly took infatuation for love that he and Juliet did not get along in character, he would begin to disappear at feasts, on the hunt, and in the evenings hang around under other people's balconies ... Or maybe he would go to the pharmacist for poison.

There were no splits.

Anyone want to object? Yes, and how can you object when such metamorphoses constantly occur before our eyes. This means that “the union of two souls”, “marriages are made in heaven” and other unearthly things-dryuchki - nothing more than a peacock's tail, bright plumage, in which a simple sexual desire is dressed up. Here are the calculations of French scientists, which show how unconvincing theories about the "single", "narrowed by the sky", "two halves", wandering around the world in search of each other. If the "one" is lost among 50 million French people (to say nothing of other peoples), the probability of accidentally meeting him is, roughly speaking, one chance in 25 million. Nevertheless, few French women and Frenchmen are deprived of love. To find your mate, it turns out that it is not at all necessary to sort out one and a half billion representatives of the opposite sex. Love is able to make a person, chosen from a narrow circle of acquaintances, "the only one", "narrowed" and "God-given". An analysis of 1,700 families showed, in particular, that 6 out of 10 couples lived in the same house before they met, 7 out of 10 lived in the same block, 8 out of 10 lived in the same district, and 9 out of 10 lived in the same department. This means that each of us chooses "his soul mate" from a very small, limited number of people who make up our immediate environment. It is estimated that on average, each person is surrounded by no more than 20-40 persons of the opposite sex and suitable age for marriage. It turns out that if I change my place of residence, study, work, then I will be surrounded by other 20-40 people. There can be at least a million options, and the choice will almost always be made.

This means that any choice, even the most successful one, is nothing more than a lottery. Lucky case? In fact, there are very few so-called "insurmountable obstacles" that would prevent two people from understanding and loving each other.

The phenomenon of love is also in the fact that it is absolutely impossible to determine why we love a person (except for Vasisualy Lokhankin, who loved Varvara “for her big white chest and service”).

“It is impossible to deny the influence of moral qualities on the feeling of love, but when they love a person, they love him all, not as an idea, but as a living person; they especially love in him what they can neither define nor name, ”wrote Belinsky. The same Belinsky noticed that if a man knows why he loves a woman, then he does not love her.

According to the psychologist Y. Orlov, in the most general sense, love relationships are actions directed at another person, when the lover experiences joy and satisfaction, bringing joy to the object of his love or reducing his suffering. The purpose of love and love relationships is not to obtain selfish satisfaction, but to experience joy through the joy of another person; enjoyment through the reflected enjoyment of another. This means that the formula of love itself is quite simple: if I feel good about what is good for you, if I want you to feel better, I do it, I love you. If another person in his relationship to me is guided by this formula, then he loves me.

This means that the basis of love is an effective focus on its object, in which actions and feelings are closely interconnected. Love that does not manifest itself in actions, that lives inside you as some “thing in itself” cannot make anyone happy, and even more so will not evoke a feeling or support what is already there. The gap between feeling and action, the refusal to reinforce their feelings with real behavior will inevitably lead to disharmony. If love lives only in the closed little world of your consciousness, not manifesting itself effectively, it will not be perceived as such and may even cause suffering to a loved one.

Recently, our friend, a Chinese businessman and scientist, visited us in Israel Liu Hao, who grew up in a family whose history is closely connected with the modern history of Chinese tea and - in an unexpected way - with Georgia and Russia.

“Tea is a motif that has united our family for many years. I'll start with my great-great-grandfather Liu Jun Zhou - or in the southern, Guangdong dialect, Lao Jun Zhou. His father was an officer in the imperial army and died before he was born. Therefore, according to Chinese custom, immediately after his birth, in 1873, my great-great-grandfather had an officer's rank.

But his mother did not want him to become a military man. She was from a very wealthy tea family. Therefore, my great-great-grandfather studied the art of growing and making tea from childhood. He himself was born in Guangdong, but studied tea business in Zhejiang province, where the famous Long Jing green tea is produced.

Then he returned to Guangdong, where he was fully in charge of the family tea business, while also being engaged in trade. Once he met a Russian merchant named Popov. He was a merchant who bought the best teas in China and supplied tea to Russia - including for the imperial family.

Popov was very smart person: he was not only engaged in the tea trade, but also had tea plantations in Russian Empire- among other things, in Batumi. Liu Jun Zhou became friends with Popov, who once told him: “There is a place that, in terms of natural conditions, weather, soil, is very close to Guangdong. These are Georgia, Adzharia, Batumi. Go, see, you will like it - you can develop your tea business there.” My great-great-grandfather was a very gambler by nature. And he agreed. But, as an obedient son, he went to his mother for a blessing. The family was then very worried about him, as he was in close contact with republicans and foreigners who adhered to republican views. If this became known to the imperial authorities, it would promise a very severe punishment. They could kill the whole family. Therefore, the departure of Liu Jun Zhou abroad was received with relief in the family. The mother gave permission.

Leaving his pregnant wife in China, he took with him twenty of the best specialists, trees of the best tea varieties, boarded a ship and went to Georgia. On the way, he began to keep diaries, which allows you to trace his future fate. A month and a half later, Liu Jun Zhou reached Adjara. He liked it there, he signed a contract with Popov and headed his tea business.

The first two years were very difficult. There was an epidemic, due to which almost every second of the specialists he brought with him from China died. And at the end of the three-year contract, all the surviving specialists said that they were going home.

Liu Jun Zhou also returned to China, but for a different reason: he took his wife, his son born during his absence, almost the entire family, recruited new specialists and again went to Adjara.


But now he was not only in charge of Popov's tea business, but also created and own production, and then headed the royal plantations located in those parts. In fact, it was Liu Jun Zhou who was the creator of Georgian black tea. His "Lao tea" won a gold medal at the Paris exhibition in 1901, and later the Tsar presented him with the Order of Saint Stanislaus.

My great-great-grandfather had a good relationship with the then Minister of Agriculture of the Empire Yermolov. With his support, he created a scientific institute of tea business in Russia.

He was a very open person and communicated with a variety of people - from statesmen to anarchists and communists. And after the October Revolution, he found an approach to the new authorities. Not only was he not repressed, but he was even awarded the Order of the Red Banner of Labor. He continued to manage his tea business, but already as a "red director".

But in 1926, Liu Jun Zhou nevertheless decided to return from the Union to his homeland. He donated almost all of his property to the Georgian Historical Museum, where his pavilion is still located. He took with him only his beloved horses. Upon returning to China, Liu did not go to his historical homeland, to the south, but remained in Harbin, which at that time was considered a “Russian city” and was closer to him in spirit. In Harbin, Liu bred horses. Then the Japanese came, the family left Harbin, but Liu Jun Zhou couldn't get away from his horses anywhere. In 1937, he died after falling from a horse.

Liu Jun Zhou had two sons, Liu Jie Zhong and Liu Pei Zhong.

The eldest son, Liu Jie Zhong, was a communist, graduated from the law faculty of St. Petersburg University, was a member of the Second International, met with Lenin six times (these meetings are mentioned both in the collected works of Lenin and in his memoirs). He was one of the three authors of the charter of the Chinese Communist Party.

After returning to China, he worked for the Chinese Eastern Railway. Then he served in western China, was a consultant to the government of Chiang Kai-shek. In 1949, after the Liberation (the victory of the CCP in civil war), he, of course, supported the communists.

He had very good relations with Chou En-Lai, who headed the State Council of the People's Republic of China in the 1950s. Liu Jie Zhong served as En-Lai's consultant and was a member of the Supreme Council. He wrote the Big Russian-Chinese Dictionary, which is still considered the most complete Russian dictionary in China.

He had two sons and two daughters.

One of the sons - Liu Yi - became the chief physician of the Beijing Hospital (he also studied in Leningrad), the second - Liu Zhi - became the chief engineer of the China Aviation Administration, and before that he was a pilot of Zhou En-Lai. The anecdote went like this: “During cultural revolution Zhou En-Lai boards the plane and asks, "Where is Liu Zhi?" And they answer him: “Where should he be? Like everyone else, at the logging site.”

My great-grandfather Liu Pei Zhong, the youngest son of Liu Jun Zhou, did not engage in any political battles, he tried to be close to his father. He also graduated from St. Petersburg University, then returned to Georgia, where he worked with his father, doing tea business.

There he met the daughter of one of the Georgian princes - Nona Tushmanishvili, my great-grandmother, to whom poems were dedicated by Osip Mandelstam and Konstantin Balmont. They fell in love and got married, although both families were against this marriage.

They had two sons and three daughters.


One daughter died in Batumi. The other two daughters never married and had no children. After returning to China, they became professors at Chinese universities.

The younger son, after returning to China, was also a professor, was a deputy and a consultant to the government.

My grandfather, Liu Gong Ze, is also a professor. He wrote the first Russian-Chinese phrasebook. He was the creator of the first television and radio programs about the Soviet Union. Grandfather was a lover of a good and free life. Was married three times. My father was his first son...

My parents are from very different families. My father was brought up in an atmosphere of freedom. Mother grew up in a strict Buddhist and wealthy family. Her American-educated grandfather was the last Foreign Minister of the Chinese Empire.

Before the revolution, the family owned a textile factory. But the families of my father and mother had many common acquaintances, common connections - that's how my parents met.

By the way, after the collapse of the USSR, when Georgia became independent, my father worked as a trade representative of China in Georgia. After retiring, he remained in Georgia, where he was engaged in private business, helping to build a hydroelectric power station in the Pankisi Gorge.

I was born in Beijing and grew up in the house of my great-grandmother Nona Tushmanishvili. He began to speak both Russian and Chinese at the same time. He graduated from high school in Beijing. In 1987, he participated in the international Olympiad in Russian language and literature, received a gold medal and an invitation to study at Moscow State University.

In 1990, he entered Moscow State University, where he studied for ten years - starting from the preparatory department, ending with graduate school. He defended his Ph.D. thesis and returned to China. I went to work at Peking University, where I became a doctor and am engaged in teaching.

Back in Russia, together with friends, he created a company that is engaged in a variety of businesses. I also have a second degree in economics.

Here is a story…”

There is no more popular topic on television and in movies than love. Soap operas are filled with "romantic love". This theme is also popular in songs. We are constantly haunted by the idea that love is the only thing that matters.

Grade

Most people think about romantic love like this: "Love is an incomprehensible obsession that comes from nowhere and immediately completely takes possession of you, like measles. You recognize it intuitively. If it's a real feeling, you won't have to guess much. "Love is so important that you have to give up everything for it. It's excusable for a man to leave his wife for love, it's excusable for a woman to leave home and children, for a king the throne. She comes completely unexpectedly, and you can't do anything. She is not subject to man."

But this is NOT true love! True love is not like that.

Infatuation really arises suddenly, and you can't do anything about it. But true love is devoted and selfless love. That's what she's based on. You may wonder why it is necessary to know the difference between infatuation and love? The reason is this: knowing the differences will save you from making a huge mistake. Every year, millions of sparkling-eyed couples come to church and solemnly swear to love each other for the rest of their lives. For some of them, marriage really becomes an invaluable asset. For others, he is simply tolerant. But for half of these couples, marriage becomes a real misfortune. After a short period of time, they begin to realize that they absolutely cannot stand living together. What's the matter?

The difference is that some couples build their marriage on true love, while others build their marriage on infatuation that is fake love. Such marriages do not last long.

How to understand the difference? During the Gold Rush, many miners thought they had hit a vein. But later, to their great disappointment, they found out that their find was not real gold, but the worthless mineral pyrite. Pyrite looks very similar to gold, but has no value. It is also called "fool's gold".

As we have said, it is NOT easy to tell the difference between infatuation and true love. In his book "Sex, love or infatuation - how to define it?" Dr. Ray Short gives some key tips to help a person examine their feeling and determine whether it is the real gold of genuine love or "fool's gold" - simple infatuation.

We'll look at 12 of these keys, but first let me point out the following: (1) The order of the keys doesn't matter. Each of them has the same meaning as the others. (2) These keys should not be randomly accepted. You must take into account all 12!

Key number 1 What attracts you the most.

Enthusiasm: When you're infatuated, you're more likely to be more interested in the other person's physique. A beautiful face and a good figure are, of course, very attractive qualities, but appearances can be deceiving. It is like wrapping paper wrapped around a gift. It cannot be used to judge what is inside. Moreover, physical beauty is not eternal. Dr. Short says, "Of the dozen school meetings I attended as a young man, I remember only one. "Young people! said the speaker solemnly. - Before marrying a girl because of her pretty face and attractive curves, think about how she will look at 30. "And that stopped me"?

True love: If your love is genuine, you will be interested in the personality of your chosen one as a whole. Surely, physical attraction will also be present in your feelings, but only along with many other attractive qualities for you.

Key #2 How many different qualities attract you to this person?

Enthusiasm: Usually the number of such qualities is small, but they are able to influence you very strongly. A guy can go crazy with his girlfriend's smiles or sexy walks.

True love: When you truly love, you like all or most of the qualities in the other person. Each of us has many characteristics, judgments and attitudes. How many characteristics do you notice in the other, and how many of them do you find attractive? This is important because once the initial excitement after marriage wears off, you'll need a lot of common interests to keep the marriage going and make it a success.

Key #3 How did it start?

Enthusiasm: Passion arises quickly. There is no true love at first sight, but passion at first sight can flare up. As one love song says, "the eyes of the lovers met in the crowd, lightning flashed, and they immediately realized that they were made for each other." In reality, they could only understand that they made a good first impression on each other.

True love: True love always comes slowly. Otherwise it can not be. You have to get to know a person before you can really love them, and that takes time, a lot of time, to really get to know someone. A long courtship is much better than a short one. A year is better than half a year, two years is better than one, three years is better than two, and four is better than three. Three years? Four? Yes, the statistics on this subject are absolutely clear. But most young couples do not want to wait even a year. They are in a hurry to get married and, from their own experience, are convinced of the validity of the old saying: "Hurry up - you will make people laugh." If you, on your own head, marry too hastily, then you will have enough time later to regret it.

Key #4 How consistent is your interest?

Enthusiasm: When you're passionate, your interest flickers and then fades. One of the reasons for this is that infatuation arises too quickly, and therefore its roots are not deep. And in general, your relationship is superficial.

True love: When you truly love, your feelings will be warm and tender rather than fluctuating from passionate passion to cold indifference, they will be more constant. True love grows slowly, but its roots are deep.

Key #5 How does feeling affect you?

Enthusiasm: Infatuation has a disorganizing effect on your personality. Makes you less responsible and efficient. Romantic feelings completely take over you, and you walk, immersed in dreams. The girl who says "I know he has flaws, but nothing matters but our love" is infatuated... TEMPORARY! When she gets married, she will eventually discover that a lot more matters.

True love: If your love is genuine, your best qualities will come out and you will strive to become even better. A guy who really loves says about his girlfriend: "I love her not only because she is so beautiful, but also because she inspires me to show my best qualities."

Key number 6 How do you treat others?

Enthusiasm: When you are passionate, for you the whole "universe" revolves around one person. The rest of the relationship seems completely unimportant to you. You are even ready to reject relatives and friends. Your feeling becomes the most important thing in your life. It's the only thing that matters to you from now on. You think that for the sake of this delightful "love" that has entered your life, you are forgiven for doing any actions. As we said before, most passions are short-lived, but the mistakes you make while under the influence of this feeling often have lifelong consequences.

True love: When you truly love, your loved one is the most important person in the world for you, but relationships with family and friends do not lose their meaning.

Key number 7 How do others view your relationship?

Enthusiasm: What others think of your "lover" is a very important test. When you are infatuated, it is likely that your parents and many of your friends will not approve of this relationship. One of dangerous sides hobbies in that you tend to idolize another person. You do not see the flaws, because "blinded by love." Your friends try to point out some danger signs, but you ignore them. Your parents lovingly warn you, trying to prevent you from making a big mistake, but you don't listen. Young people sometimes say: "So what? We marry each other, and not relatives and friends." You, too, can take this position, but it is unforgivable stupidity - to neglect the advice of people who love you. Over the years of life, both you and your loved one have developed a certain circle of friends. We all strive to be like those we choose as friends, they become like us. Therefore, your friends are, in a sense, your "mirror". If you are infatuated with someone, friends often do not share such feelings. If they see dangerous signals, you should pay attention to this and listen to their opinion.

True love: When you truly love, your parents and most of your friends are more likely to approve of your choice. For God to bless your marriage, the consent and approval of your parents is very important.

Key number 8 How do breakups affect?

Enthusiasm: One of the best tests of feeling is the test of distance. If you are simply infatuated, then time and distance will kill your feeling, “This also explains the breakups of those couples whose main interest was physical attractiveness. Over time, another living person nearby will replace the beloved who remains only in the photograph.

True love: When you really love, the absence of a loved one only exacerbates your feeling. True love will surely stand the test of distance and time. It is based not only on the physical attractiveness of a person, it accepts him as a whole, as a person. Time spent together helps you "grow together". Therefore, when you part, you seem to lose your part. Another person, even a very attractive one, cannot fill the void in your heart. Being at a distance, of course, you can experience anxiety and sadness. You will be disturbed by the thought: "What if he (or she) meets someone else?" And this can happen. But if your loved one is able to find happiness with someone else, then it is better to find out about this before, and not after marriage. Therefore, if you have to part, put up with it and do not worry. If your feeling is only infatuation and it won't stand up to such a test, it's best to find out before it's too late.

Key number 9 How do disagreements affect feelings?

Enthusiasm: When you are passionate, you often quarrel. You can put up, but over time, quarrels become more frequent and serious. You become like. two porcupines in the cold. When they are apart, they shiver from the cold, but as soon as they snuggle up to each other, they prick each other with their needles. "Phil and Alice met for more than two years. During this time they quarreled and reconciled at least once a month. Disagreements arose because of any trifle or imaginary offense. Both played out terrible jealousy. And then Maria, Alice's best friend, tried to open them Once Alice shared with her the details of the last quarrel and threatened: “Let him just try to get me back! I won't even talk to him!" "I think you will, Alice," Maria said softly to her, "but I hope you tell him firmly: "Goodbye, Phil, it's over." And then she explained her position to a surprised friend: “You both bring out the worst in each other. You quarrel because you have nothing else to talk about. Discord, tears and romantic “reconciliation” only relieve you of boredom.

True love: When you are truly in love, you may have disagreements, but true love survives them, and quarrels become less frequent and serious. Every couple must learn to resolve conflicts. It is much better to discuss disagreements openly and honestly than to let them smolder in the back of your mind.

Key #10 How do you view your relationship?

Enthusiasm: When you are infatuated, you tend to think of yourself and your loved one as two people, and accordingly use pronouns in your thoughts and speech: "I", "me", "mine", "he", "his", or "she", "her". You think of you as two separate individuals.

True love: When you really love, you usually use the words: "we", "our", "us". You think of you as one. This key doesn't seem to be as important when you're just dating, but it's hugely important in a marriage. When a marriage is based on passion, a husband and wife may find more pleasure in pursuing different interests than in working together. A husband may want to "go out with friends" more than spend time at home with his family. Or the wife will become more interested in her social connections than in household chores. In families where true love exists, husband and wife enjoy doing things together. A common answer here is: "I don't want to go if you can't go too."

Key #11 Are you selfish or selfless?

Enthusiasm: When you're infatuated, your interest in the other person is mostly selfish. A guy can meet a beautiful and noticeable girl, just because it flatters his pride, raises his prestige. She can be capricious and spoiled, but since she is the "queen" of the school, he becomes the "king" next to her. In the same way, a girl can keep a guy "on a leash" not because she is really interested in him, but because his devotion raises her price in the eyes of others.

True love: When you really love, you like a person for what he is, and not because he can help you assert yourself.

Key number 12 What is the basis of your feelings?

Enthusiasm: Is your goal to find a person who will devote his entire life to making you happy? Are you taking care of yourself first? If so, then you're just infatuated. Your overall stance is selfish - you care most about what you can get out of this relationship.

True love: Love is selfless and devoted. You strive to do everything possible to bring joy to another. You are primarily interested in what you can give, not receive.

* * *

Rate your feeling. Take a sheet of paper and carefully study the keys, starting with the first one. Give each of them an assessment of your feelings. If you want, the keys can show not only whether your love is real, but also a certain degree of your feelings. In most cases, the keys show a mixture of infatuation and true love. Therefore, evaluate each key on a ten-point scale. Zero would mean infatuation, and 10 would mean love. For example, looking at Key #1, you might decide, "To be perfectly honest, I was mainly interested in physical attractiveness, so I'll give myself two points." If, when examining key #7, you see that about half of your friends approve of your choice, and half do not, then give yourself five points. When you rate yourself on all twelve keys, add up your points. A total score of 80 or higher indicates that your senses are reasonably reliable. For your part, you can believe that your love can become the basis for a successful marriage. But that's only on your side.

The person you love must also pass this test and score a high score. Love must be mutual. No matter how much you love that person, one-sided love won't help. He should feel the same way in return. If you score between 50 and 80 points, you will need more time to see how your relationship develops. If the score is less than 50, you are only carried away. So try to keep your heart. First of all, do not complicate the relationship with sexual intimacy and do not rush into marriage.

Also note the following: A high score on this test does not necessarily mean you are ready for marriage. First, you may still be too young to get married, even if you score a lot. Secondly, even if you are of the right age, you may simply not know each other well yet. As we said, you need to know each other well for at least two years before thinking about marriage.

Someone thinks that it is necessary to get married or marry for love. And this is not surprising - all the media are intensively promoting this point of view. However, in fact, love is far from the first thing that connects two people. Surely you are familiar with those couples in which a man and a woman loved each other, but could not live together. And in the same way, there are couples who got married by coincidence, without any romantic feelings, but in which the husband and wife fell in love with each other over time. Moreover, now we are talking about love, and not about falling in love, addiction or passion. So how do you distinguish true love from other feelings, and why isn't it as important in marriage as we think in our society?

Features inherent in true love

In general, of course, it is strange to talk about the features of love, as feelings, it is ridiculous to dissect it into individual elements and therefore we will only name its main ones:
1. True love gives. What gives? What can give: attention, affection, help in some business. That is, people who truly love each other do not demand from the other, but give themselves. A simple example: do not run around your beloved with requests, questions: "Well, tell me, tell me - do you love me?" (which many girls sin), but come up and say: "I love you", and at the same time do not wait for an answer ("I love you too"), but simply express your feelings at your own will.

2. True love promotes self-development, and, moreover, both the lover and the beloved. If love addiction does not allow the lover himself or his partner to develop, then true love, on the contrary, allows you to see the weaknesses of a loved one, delicately point out them and help you become stronger. Also, in the process of communicating with a partner, the lover himself becomes better, stronger.

3. True love doesn't last. People who know how to love do not tie themselves tightly to a partner and do not hold a loved one with all their might. Just because they don't need it. The secret is that they LOVE themselves, and do not demand and do not expect love from another. Therefore, if a loved one wants to leave, then they do not cling to him, but simply let him go. Of course, the situation of any breakup is not complete without experiences, but grief and sadness do not cause thoughts of suicide and do not provoke depression - loving person will find the strength to live and develop further. Why are those who know how to love not afraid to be alone? Probably, firstly, because they themselves are whole and harmonious people, and secondly, who wants to get away from true love? - perhaps an inappropriate partner, and because of this it is stupid to suffer

Why love is not required for marriage

As you already understood, true love differs from other types of feelings, which are sometimes called by its name, in that it is not some kind of sudden process (which rushed from somewhere suddenly), but creation - they don’t wait for it to come, they create it themselves. That is why at the beginning of the article we mentioned that when entering into marriage, love is not obligatory - if people are ready to live together, they are ready to create harmonious family And then they will have love. Of course, true love happens easier and easier in those couples where there is mutual sympathy, common interests and similar life goals. And, finally, the most important secret: love is not a thing, but a process, and that is why it cannot come, go, get lost. Love in a couple can only be created with mutual interest and desire, i.e. - love yourself and each other.